It ain't me, babe.

"Go away from my window... I'm not the one you want babe, not the one you need.

It ain't me babe. It ain't me you're looking for."

Maybe it's a terrible time in my life for a relationship, but part of me will always want my daughter's dad to want to be with me. That's the ugly truth. I just always want someone who doesn't want me back. It wouldn't solve any problems of mine to actually be with her dad or in a relationship at all. How would it solve my problems to be with someone who only texts me drunk in the middle of the night? As if I can just up and pack up kiddo at three AM to go S his D. Sounds like a good time to me.

D=

Stage 0

I can remember when she told me. The sweet nursing student sat across from me closely and said the words 'the test showed abnormal cells..'.  I heard nothing else as I wrestled my lively little three months old to keep her in my arms and away from the plastic models of IUDs and vaginas. Abnormal. The words rang in my ears and worked down every nerve like a wave hitting my body as I stood in the sand seeing a storm approach on the horizon. "So I have cancer?" She said no, but my head couldn't ignore what I know about how cancer starts. "It's not technically cancer." But there are little demon cells that are lying in masses trying desperately to convert as many as they can to their occult until my T cells come to kill them off for good.
The next step was to come back and have them put liquid nitrogen on the parts of my cervix that looked like elephant man. It melts off the bad cells so the happy cells can come and be a cervix again. Then I waited. January came and went and I missed the assigned time I was going to go back and have another pap done. No biggie, since the cryo froze off all the bad cells, right? After going back again in February I have been trying not to hold my breath, but I have been hoping against hope that it went perfectly. How then when we are just doing our routine nursing school stuff does my abdomen have searing pain when pressed down for my lab partner to do something pretty routine? Past few days I have spent playing phone tag with my OBGyn and I finally heard back. The results: Abnormal.
I hope I am worrying for nothing.
I hope that I don't need to make sure my sister can take over legal guardianship of babe.
I hope that I don't need life insurance.
I hope I can be there to see her first day of kindergarten or her first steps.
But I don't KNOW.  And waiting to see what we are going to do about the fifth abnormal pap smear in a row is a very scary place to be.

Driving home I thought of that Tim McGraw song and the bull named Fu Man Chu. I thought of the debates I had with the awful boyfriend I had that told me I didn't appreciate the song, because I didn't know the bull's name. I thought of the loveless sex that got me in this situation. And I thought about my ignorance about HPV. I thought about a graphic that I had seen once that labelled HPV as the cause of cancer, when for a long time I thought I just had this symptom-less problem that would phase itself out. I thought about trying to live like I was dying. If I am dying what should I take care of and how should I spend my time? I thought about my sick baby and how awful it would be if I couldn't be the one to comfort her any more.

Today was a beautiful day. I just need to live every day like it matters, maybe not like I'm dying, just as a good mother, daughter, friend, sister. Encouraging, productive, respectful and loving. That's what I want. I don't know what May holds, but maybe when I go to my next pap smear I can face it bravely knowing that's the person I am comfortable someone else tells anyone I was/am. If there is an if.

*This image does not belong to me. I found it on: http://www.divynenhealthy.com/information-human-papillomavirus/

SINGLE mom

I have never been as lonely as when I have had my sweet little baby by my side every waking moment of every day. I never imagined that trying to run from my pain by falling into someone's bed would give me so much grief.
I love my baby. I can't believe I have responsibility over a human being. It blows my mind. I am such a lucky woman. But although I have the help of my family, the warm arms that got me here, the kisses that weakened my knees, and the wondering hands that thrilled me are no longer around to comfort me. I have no love to make the longing in my heart subside to anything less than the nagging gaping hole of loneliness.
I know you can feel lonely when you have companionship, but when there are so many people who promise to be supportive of your sagging disappointments; loneliness is the result. 

Everything is going well. I have restarted school. My daughter is happy. I have clothes on my back and a warm home to live in. BUT... every one always has a big fat but. I want to just want to have somebody for me. Not to feed me, not to house me, not to need me, but someone I can go to fall back on. That's where I am right now.

My friend put me on a dating site. Funny, because it was really sweet the way she had me describe myself. The only thing is I'm just plain not interested. I'm a little afraid of what I want. Some how even proof reading this is just making me think just maybe something in me needs to be settled first.  I think single is ok, but after all that was the point of this blog. Whats up with that?

Full Term: 37 weeks

I'm ready. In fact, my body is tired. I am tired of being tired. The physical stuff isn't that bad though. It's still the emotional baggage I bring to the table.

When a little girl plays house, her ideal is expressed as taking care of the baby by cooking and cleaning and pretending daddy will come home to them when he is done with work. She doesn't dream about leaving baby with the sitter to try to finish school. She doesn't imagine sleeping alone in her parents home with a baby that needs both parents sleeping in the next room. At least I wasn't the little girl that dreamed of being a single mother. I wanted a husband and traded down for a baby daddy.

I no longer feel shame when I walk around. I am not able to feel pride about the pregnancy, but I know that it is essentially none of anyone's business; and, if they make it their business, those who do not notice my naked finger will be corrected and I will let them know I am on my own.  I do take pride in seeing that this is something that I chose to follow through with and SHE WILL be worth it.

I want my little girl to know that someone knew she meant everything to me since I was a little girl. Just because the timing isn't my timing, it doesn't mean she is less valuable.

31 weeks

I think of things I want to tell Chloe and never write them down. I feel bad about it, however all of the negative stuff swims in my head for months.

Isn't it always when you can't sleep that you have the one-way conversations with the people you need to let off steam with?

The longer he waits to talk to me the more angry I become. Can I even forgive him at this point?
Here's a parody I wrote and dedicate to him.

Now and then I think of when we were together,
like how you said you were so horny you could die.
Told myself that you were so sexy, but was competing for your company.
We had sex under the tree in late September.

You can get addicted to a certain kind of lover.
Resignation to be used
always just used.
So when I said I did not want to date 
well you said that we would still be friends,
but I will admit that I was sad you did fight it.

BUT You didn't have to cut me off,
make out like it didn't happen and that I don't matter.
 I don't even need your love, but you treat me like a stranger
and I feel so ignored.
You didn't have to stoop so low,
listen to your friends and say she isn't your baby.
I can believe you'd do that though.
Now you're just somebody that I used to Bone.
A body.
Now you're just somebody that I used to Bone.
Now you're just somebody that I used to Bone.
Now you're just somebody that I used to Bone.

Congradulations.

I want to be happy. I really want to be happy, but I am overwhelmed and I don't feel supported. I don't know why. I have plenty of friends and my family lets me live with them, so what's my deal?

I never thought I would be a baby momma.

This is a really hard thing approaching this road without help. The kind of help you get from a man that loves you and lays next to you at night and tells you that you are beautiful even though you feel like a Beluga whale. I keep getting bigger and bigger. The general consensus is that it gets worse. My sweet little soon-to-be-blessing sits on my bladder unforgivingly. I can't ever get comfortable. I am trapped in a fat suit. I can't wait to hold her and be done with the physical burden that no one can carry for me. I am embarrassed and I feel guilty when people notice I'm pregnant. I should be happy, but this is so not where I thought I would be.

Part of me thinks if he just showed some small portion of concern for the sweet new life, I would feel so much more relief. He talks a lot, but no action. He doesn't think she is his. He doesn't think I'm actually pregnant. There's only one explanation of that. He is in denial. It remarkably breaks my heart. I didn't think I would ever care about what he thought, wanted - any of it. I care. As soon as I knew his little baby was in me I started to care about him. I hate that I care. I want to write him off, because Chloe and I will be better off, but I want him around.

I want things for Chloe that she may never get that I can't give her. It literally breaks my heart. I can't say it any other way.

Baby-daddy drama

Earlier today I was thinking: "How am I going to make him care? How am I going to make him talk to me? Is he even going to believe this child is half his flesh and blood?" 

I have been driving myself crazy with the father of this baby. Trying so hard as I do in every relationship I have to do something to make him want me around or to just get what I think I need out of him. It doesn't work like that. You can't make anyone else do anything. You have to simply say 'this is the way it is, but I can do this about it' 

 

I am learning how to let go. I have done pretty well by my interpretation of keeping my cool and not being immature. My anger is not under complete control, but has been renovated.

I have not showed up at his work and made a scene. I have not vandalized his car. I have called him one name this whole time "an ass", but I think I am doing pretty good. I do need to get over thinking I can manipulate him into caring. 

 

So far, based on his behavior .... It's not going to happen. He is going to not care. He thinks all I want is money. While I may need money because of my terrible financial position, I want more for him to be present. I need to stop holding my breath and accept that he will not and cannot be that person. Not for me, my baby, or anyone. 

 

I was looking for encouragement on my go-to site for all my pregnancy curiousities and found this ::

"I give God all the Glory. My daughter is now 16 months old. When I first posted a msg here I was very depressed because I was pregnant without the father of my child around. He chose to party and chase women. I felt so lost, hurt, angry, embarassed like I wouldn't be able to get through it. Going through that at 34 years old when you think you have control over your life and able to make good decisions made me feel worse. Well everything has changed now. Because of the support of the stories I read here,family, friends and talking to so many beautiful strong single parents, I gained the strength I needed to get through the pregnancy and raise my beautiful daughter. I am soooo happy that her father is not around. I never thought i would reach this place And now when he begs for me to take him back now, I tell him I'm sorry, I have absolutely no feelings for attraction for you. I don't hate him. I am just so enjoying my child and look forward to God bringing me a good man."

posted 11/04/2007 by Roni56  babycenter.com 

 

 

hey Roni, thanks for the encouragement. i need the boost sometimes.