We have a ficus tree that my family received almost two years ago when my grandmother died. When it arrived, my heart was warmed and I decided to take responsibility of the plant, because my parents both have black thumbs. It has started to shrivel. I water it every other day and it sits in a wonderful sun-spot of our kitchen; so, what is the problem. Why has this once lush plant begun to dry and deteriorate?
It's roots have out grown the pot. I have no means to re-pot my beautiful plant and the roots are beginning to grow out of the soil. Growth is natural when something is maintained in a healthy environment and given cause to flourish.
I realized this was the problem because I myself have come to this problem. The question is now, have I outgrown just living with my family in this house, or have I outgrown this city, have I out grown my friends? Do I really even have friends anymore?
I keep thinking all of these things will make me happy. Once I actually get them I see that none of the things are making me any more content with the condition of my life. Am I just determined to be melancholy? Have I just been disconnected so long that connectedness seems so irrational? Have I just been dependent on my family for so long that independence seems irrational?
Give me a purpose or I will die. I can no longer sit in my parents house unmoved and unproductive without occupation or distraction. I need to see some sort of change. I have yearned for something and put all of my efforts and hopes into FAILED relationships and plans. Now, I am left with table scraps of dreams and a huge allotment of time to try to scrounge together some sort of motivation for even getting out of bed in the morning.
My soul aches. I want friendships that I felt were so deep before. I want to restore the happiness I felt to be in the arms of a man I knew loved the Lord. I want a family of my own. I'm just in this transitional period where everything claims no color only tinges of gray that confuse my observations. Are colors going to soon beam from these desires I have held my entire life? When will the light come to reflect the promise that will save me from death in my brokenness?
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