One is the Loneliest Number

I some how always miss the part of a new situation where people form groups.

I'm never in the loop and I don't have like a half dozen people on hand to go do anything random with at all times. I feel slighted. I feel like its my fault. and I feel like people don't WANT to spend time with me. It kind of sucks.

One Quarter

I write when I can't sleep
to alleviate my mind.
Why am I here in this place?
Why do I
go to his facebook and
stare and read
and kick myself for not being better for him,
to him?
I was as good as I could be. Why let it still bother me? Why did I do what I did? The boy on my couch that my roommates have the right to harass me about is not the one that stood next to me in the moonlight terrified to hold me too close so we wouldn't cross any lines.

It didn't make me feel better.

Rachel...


why when I hear this girls name escape from his lips does my mind race? He literally means nothing to me the hot tub boy that exercised no restraint but he whispers a woman's name to his friend and my stomach does a flip.
I looked at someone else's facebook today, too: Hot tub boy's.
There she was. Standing next to him mocking me from thousands of miles away and months ago: Rachel.
He'd been acting strange. Nothing would come of this we both knew, but 'just pretend for me like I pretend for you'. It will comfort me. It's the only thing I know works. BOLD FACED LIES!

Sitting in class tending his phone like a new born baby he exchanged hushed words to his friend about nothing in particular until I heard this name.

"I am there, too. It's ok. I'm worse off than you are. I promise. I'm living a lie, too. I seem to be preoccupied by  the opposite sex, But I'm normal I promise. I have dreams. I loved once. My favorite food is sushi, or guacamole, or banana bread depending on my mood. I am interesting. Be interested in me."

Did I tell him that I know how it is to run from your faith? Did I tell him that I hated the mistake I made and that I was sad I took advantage of him? No. I sat there and giggled at him winking at me as if I had no window into his life.  It's as if living here has given me an excuse to be who I am without Christ, without direction, without myself. I AM NOT A FOLLOWER. Why have I been led off this cliff like a blind pig?

God, have mercy on me. I am defeated. I choose over and over to ruin Your escape plan for me and charge head on into heart ache. I miss my life God. I miss my integrity. I miss having people know where I stand because I know where I stand. Get me out of here. Out of my rose colored memories, free from my behaviors, away from my wicked stubborn heart. Make me selfless. I want to be a good witness to Charlotte. She is beautiful and wonderful, but has no desire to spend time with me because all I talk about is boys and its annoying. I annoy myself. God help me. I have a burden to talk to her about you and I never can spend any time with her. Grow me. Help me. Get me off of Ex-Mr.Wonderful's facebook because HE dumped ME.

amen

Its called "the Noodle"

   I dance all the time at work. I dance all the time. In the shower, putting away my groceries, I dance every where. If I'm not dancing, I'm singing; or I'm doing  both.  My roommates call me Sun drop because of the Sun drop commercial where the girl dances after having a sip of lemon-lime cola.... yeah that's me. I drop it like its hot. I have been dancing at work outside, but Easter was particularly fun. Me and God had beef until recently. I keep holding different things against Him saying : "If You loved me I wouldn't be alone. I'm so lonely here. This is so hard. Why are You doing this to me? If I am supposed to be lonely to follow You, I guess I will just not follow You." So for however many weeks, I slipped more slowly into this mind frame. I needed to be grateful and say " You chose this for my life. You will not give me anything I can't handle. There is no temptation that has ceased me accept that which is common to man. You are on my team. If You are for me who can be against?"

BUT
I chose the former. I felt like I was dying. It's funny how the enemy sets you on the path away from God and you justify staying there because you feel so horrible and blame God for your feelings instead of realizing that you feel like that because you are away from Him in the first place. Just the past few days I have felt better than the past three weeks. THE lifestyle of faith requires that you abandon questions that you dwell on to live in a current moment of comfort to live in statements of truth founded on Christ that you may suffer moments of discomfort for a lifetime of reward.
Here is how I know God is good. In my running from Him he sent THREE people into my life to speak truth in love about the faith to me.

The first was my mother. She ended up pleading with me to remain faithful to God and my commitment to not have sex before marriage and love the Lord. Her determination was frightfully haunting, but I still had a bad attitude about not hearing back from a guy I ended up taking the wrong direction with after a date. The second was a girl at the bus stop. She saw that I had begun reading Crazy Love and told me it was good even if you didn't watch the videos. =) She told me it had been hard for her to get to church and her faith was floundering too. The third was a woman I talked to the first or second week I was here named Leah.
She assured me that making her commitment to save her self for her husband even after her mistakes changed a lot about herself and grew her closer to God. She said "I know that my husband is God's best for me." Wow. That brings tears to my eyes.  I want to get where I know that He Himself is sufficient and the only One I need, but hearing that from her was confirmation that the EX may not be the one, but if Christ is He will give me the desires of my heart.

Lord, be with me in my struggles. Help me hold onto you. Help me remain committed to Your Word and Truth. I need You Jesus to come to my rescue. Where else can I go? I feel like I ruin a lot, but help me to know that You fix everything because you made everything and I just need to be willing. I love You. I want to love You. Help me follow You.
Amen