One Quarter

I write when I can't sleep
to alleviate my mind.
Why am I here in this place?
Why do I
go to his facebook and
stare and read
and kick myself for not being better for him,
to him?
I was as good as I could be. Why let it still bother me? Why did I do what I did? The boy on my couch that my roommates have the right to harass me about is not the one that stood next to me in the moonlight terrified to hold me too close so we wouldn't cross any lines.

It didn't make me feel better.

Rachel...


why when I hear this girls name escape from his lips does my mind race? He literally means nothing to me the hot tub boy that exercised no restraint but he whispers a woman's name to his friend and my stomach does a flip.
I looked at someone else's facebook today, too: Hot tub boy's.
There she was. Standing next to him mocking me from thousands of miles away and months ago: Rachel.
He'd been acting strange. Nothing would come of this we both knew, but 'just pretend for me like I pretend for you'. It will comfort me. It's the only thing I know works. BOLD FACED LIES!

Sitting in class tending his phone like a new born baby he exchanged hushed words to his friend about nothing in particular until I heard this name.

"I am there, too. It's ok. I'm worse off than you are. I promise. I'm living a lie, too. I seem to be preoccupied by  the opposite sex, But I'm normal I promise. I have dreams. I loved once. My favorite food is sushi, or guacamole, or banana bread depending on my mood. I am interesting. Be interested in me."

Did I tell him that I know how it is to run from your faith? Did I tell him that I hated the mistake I made and that I was sad I took advantage of him? No. I sat there and giggled at him winking at me as if I had no window into his life.  It's as if living here has given me an excuse to be who I am without Christ, without direction, without myself. I AM NOT A FOLLOWER. Why have I been led off this cliff like a blind pig?

God, have mercy on me. I am defeated. I choose over and over to ruin Your escape plan for me and charge head on into heart ache. I miss my life God. I miss my integrity. I miss having people know where I stand because I know where I stand. Get me out of here. Out of my rose colored memories, free from my behaviors, away from my wicked stubborn heart. Make me selfless. I want to be a good witness to Charlotte. She is beautiful and wonderful, but has no desire to spend time with me because all I talk about is boys and its annoying. I annoy myself. God help me. I have a burden to talk to her about you and I never can spend any time with her. Grow me. Help me. Get me off of Ex-Mr.Wonderful's facebook because HE dumped ME.

amen