Picked up my guitar today. It was for the right reasons this time. I wasn't trying to impress anyone but Jesus. It was a good day. I missed the feeling of having sore fingers. I hope they aren't sore for long though. I want to be a veteran soon. Strumming and jamming for fun will be nice when I get there. I'm excited for that day.
I think listening to Indie rock and jazz helped me over that wall that was keeping me from understanding and having free flowing playing. I am excited. Excited about my job, my friends, my hobbies and the possibilities for the future. Genuinely excited for once.
Thank you, Lord, for my new life. Help me keep up my full heart. Thank you for helping me heal. I didn't think this day would actually come. Help me appreciate you as a friend. Amen.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Grape Escape: Day 104
Do you remember that board game 'Grape Escape?' The one where the point of it was to make a grape and try to get it through the whole set without smashing your grape? I feel like that play dough grape. I run from my crushing. That's normal. It's definitely something a normal person would do. BUT I am not normal.
Galatians 6:14 "...The world has been crucified to me through the cross, and I to the world." Crucified. Crushed. Dead. Buried. Crushed like a grape that has given its life, poured out. Like Christ. Being crushed and not allowing someone to mistreat you are two different things. Being crushed and being offended at not getting the credit you deserve are two contrasting behaviors. Yes, by the world's standards I am in the right for throwing the girl I work with under the bus and quitting, but by God's standards I was in that place for that task. To love her and to be crushed so that I produced a thirst-quenching life-giving drink. I failed by giving up and moving on.
Why then do I desire to stay? It started when a guy at work said,"Please, don't quit." Wow. My friend helped me see that I wanted to stay because I loved and feed off of the validation I get and security from being in a group with people who don't like my coworker. Instead of hanging my head and moving on, I started to feel indignation. I began to say, 'Who is she to push me around?Nobody likes her anyway.' It would satisfy my flesh to cut her down. I remember the last time I really put someone "in their place" and I never want to feel that kind of regret again. It's safe to say that I was just being apprehensive about my new job, because I was finally getting the sympathy and the validation that I crave. I was harboring it and nurturing it. Luckily, my friend saw right through the situation to the real issues at war in my head and helped me see what kind of mistake it would be to stay at a place where I had made a lot of poor decisions. I have a fresh start here. God, please help me not mess this up. Amen.
http://ellerslie.com/Eric_Ludy_Sermons/Entries/2012/8/12_Life_as_a_Grape.html
Galatians 6:14 "...The world has been crucified to me through the cross, and I to the world." Crucified. Crushed. Dead. Buried. Crushed like a grape that has given its life, poured out. Like Christ. Being crushed and not allowing someone to mistreat you are two different things. Being crushed and being offended at not getting the credit you deserve are two contrasting behaviors. Yes, by the world's standards I am in the right for throwing the girl I work with under the bus and quitting, but by God's standards I was in that place for that task. To love her and to be crushed so that I produced a thirst-quenching life-giving drink. I failed by giving up and moving on.
Why then do I desire to stay? It started when a guy at work said,"Please, don't quit." Wow. My friend helped me see that I wanted to stay because I loved and feed off of the validation I get and security from being in a group with people who don't like my coworker. Instead of hanging my head and moving on, I started to feel indignation. I began to say, 'Who is she to push me around?Nobody likes her anyway.' It would satisfy my flesh to cut her down. I remember the last time I really put someone "in their place" and I never want to feel that kind of regret again. It's safe to say that I was just being apprehensive about my new job, because I was finally getting the sympathy and the validation that I crave. I was harboring it and nurturing it. Luckily, my friend saw right through the situation to the real issues at war in my head and helped me see what kind of mistake it would be to stay at a place where I had made a lot of poor decisions. I have a fresh start here. God, please help me not mess this up. Amen.
http://ellerslie.com/Eric_Ludy_Sermons/Entries/2012/8/12_Life_as_a_Grape.html
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Day 100: Here's to Milestones
The past week my eyes have been blood-shot. Insomnia hasn't really helped the situation. Maybe insomnia is the wrong word. I have a weird sleep schedule. Coming back to my hometown, I just became a bum and spent ninety percent of my time in bed. I can say its getting better. "It's getting better all the time."
Why is the solution to all of my problems 'burn the bridge and run'? I can't run from all of the issues that I am ever going to have. I loved my job, but I put in my two weeks notice; because I was tired of bussing alone. I am at the bottom of the food chain. I don't want to even work a minimum wage job, but I applied at another one thinking I would be more respected. I feel the same about it. It's so humiliating to me. Being elbow deep in oil or mayo and some weird mush on the underside of that plate I just picked up. I just wish that I could sincerely enjoy something.
I hope I am leaving the other place where I can come back. I hope. I would work two jobs. It's not fulfilling though. Was that what I was looking for? Fulfillment?
It's amazing to me that I present myself to the world as having a lot of information. I mean, I do know things: how many bones are in the body, the way to saute` mushrooms, or just bits of interesting things. In my own private world there are so many lingering questions. So many things that I have a deep desire to know, but can't have the answers to. I can't know everything. I am ok with that. I just want to know what I am looking for. I just want to know how to be content. How do I stop dwelling on the past? How do I move on? Why are my eyes red? Why does my body feel weird? What can put my sleep cycle back in place?
One thing I feel very happy about are the friends I have to support me. More and more I am feeling fulfilled and happy about my family, too. I love them. They make me feel like there is a reason I am.
When you matter to someone, when a person lets you into their world, their heart and talks to you for five hours at a time and makes pancake muffins with you and has you over for coffee, when someone invites you out bowling, or asks you to help watch their newborn: you know that those people DON'T need you but they WANT you. Isn't that beautiful? I am starting to appreciate my friends in a deeper way now. I see that these are solid friendships. I am learning how to be a friend. How to appreciate. Learning how to love. "I wish that I knew what I know now when I was younger".
Listening to love songs about regret still bring me back to that day. I think maybe this is the part where I exile love songs from my life for the time being. I don't want to do anything that drastic; I just don't know what else to do.
God,
Help me be content. Thank you for my friends. Help me let go. It's been so long. Why can't I let go still? Why does the one bad thing over-shadow and over-take all of the GOOD? Help me be content. Save me from myself. Help me give this to you! Help me find sleep at better hours of the day. Thank you for blessing me and having your hand in my life. Amen
Why is the solution to all of my problems 'burn the bridge and run'? I can't run from all of the issues that I am ever going to have. I loved my job, but I put in my two weeks notice; because I was tired of bussing alone. I am at the bottom of the food chain. I don't want to even work a minimum wage job, but I applied at another one thinking I would be more respected. I feel the same about it. It's so humiliating to me. Being elbow deep in oil or mayo and some weird mush on the underside of that plate I just picked up. I just wish that I could sincerely enjoy something.
I hope I am leaving the other place where I can come back. I hope. I would work two jobs. It's not fulfilling though. Was that what I was looking for? Fulfillment?
It's amazing to me that I present myself to the world as having a lot of information. I mean, I do know things: how many bones are in the body, the way to saute` mushrooms, or just bits of interesting things. In my own private world there are so many lingering questions. So many things that I have a deep desire to know, but can't have the answers to. I can't know everything. I am ok with that. I just want to know what I am looking for. I just want to know how to be content. How do I stop dwelling on the past? How do I move on? Why are my eyes red? Why does my body feel weird? What can put my sleep cycle back in place?
One thing I feel very happy about are the friends I have to support me. More and more I am feeling fulfilled and happy about my family, too. I love them. They make me feel like there is a reason I am.
When you matter to someone, when a person lets you into their world, their heart and talks to you for five hours at a time and makes pancake muffins with you and has you over for coffee, when someone invites you out bowling, or asks you to help watch their newborn: you know that those people DON'T need you but they WANT you. Isn't that beautiful? I am starting to appreciate my friends in a deeper way now. I see that these are solid friendships. I am learning how to be a friend. How to appreciate. Learning how to love. "I wish that I knew what I know now when I was younger".
Listening to love songs about regret still bring me back to that day. I think maybe this is the part where I exile love songs from my life for the time being. I don't want to do anything that drastic; I just don't know what else to do.
God,
Help me be content. Thank you for my friends. Help me let go. It's been so long. Why can't I let go still? Why does the one bad thing over-shadow and over-take all of the GOOD? Help me be content. Save me from myself. Help me give this to you! Help me find sleep at better hours of the day. Thank you for blessing me and having your hand in my life. Amen
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