The past week my eyes have been blood-shot. Insomnia hasn't really helped the situation. Maybe insomnia is the wrong word. I have a weird sleep schedule. Coming back to my hometown, I just became a bum and spent ninety percent of my time in bed. I can say its getting better. "It's getting better all the time."
Why is the solution to all of my problems 'burn the bridge and run'? I can't run from all of the issues that I am ever going to have. I loved my job, but I put in my two weeks notice; because I was tired of bussing alone. I am at the bottom of the food chain. I don't want to even work a minimum wage job, but I applied at another one thinking I would be more respected. I feel the same about it. It's so humiliating to me. Being elbow deep in oil or mayo and some weird mush on the underside of that plate I just picked up. I just wish that I could sincerely enjoy something.
I hope I am leaving the other place where I can come back. I hope. I would work two jobs. It's not fulfilling though. Was that what I was looking for? Fulfillment?
It's amazing to me that I present myself to the world as having a lot of information. I mean, I do know things: how many bones are in the body, the way to saute` mushrooms, or just bits of interesting things. In my own private world there are so many lingering questions. So many things that I have a deep desire to know, but can't have the answers to. I can't know everything. I am ok with that. I just want to know what I am looking for. I just want to know how to be content. How do I stop dwelling on the past? How do I move on? Why are my eyes red? Why does my body feel weird? What can put my sleep cycle back in place?
One thing I feel very happy about are the friends I have to support me. More and more I am feeling fulfilled and happy about my family, too. I love them. They make me feel like there is a reason I am.
When you matter to someone, when a person lets you into their world, their heart and talks to you for five hours at a time and makes pancake muffins with you and has you over for coffee, when someone invites you out bowling, or asks you to help watch their newborn: you know that those people DON'T need you but they WANT you. Isn't that beautiful? I am starting to appreciate my friends in a deeper way now. I see that these are solid friendships. I am learning how to be a friend. How to appreciate. Learning how to love. "I wish that I knew what I know now when I was younger".
Listening to love songs about regret still bring me back to that day. I think maybe this is the part where I exile love songs from my life for the time being. I don't want to do anything that drastic; I just don't know what else to do.
God,
Help me be content. Thank you for my friends. Help me let go. It's been so long. Why can't I let go still? Why does the one bad thing over-shadow and over-take all of the GOOD? Help me be content. Save me from myself. Help me give this to you! Help me find sleep at better hours of the day. Thank you for blessing me and having your hand in my life. Amen
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