Full Term: 37 weeks

I'm ready. In fact, my body is tired. I am tired of being tired. The physical stuff isn't that bad though. It's still the emotional baggage I bring to the table.

When a little girl plays house, her ideal is expressed as taking care of the baby by cooking and cleaning and pretending daddy will come home to them when he is done with work. She doesn't dream about leaving baby with the sitter to try to finish school. She doesn't imagine sleeping alone in her parents home with a baby that needs both parents sleeping in the next room. At least I wasn't the little girl that dreamed of being a single mother. I wanted a husband and traded down for a baby daddy.

I no longer feel shame when I walk around. I am not able to feel pride about the pregnancy, but I know that it is essentially none of anyone's business; and, if they make it their business, those who do not notice my naked finger will be corrected and I will let them know I am on my own.  I do take pride in seeing that this is something that I chose to follow through with and SHE WILL be worth it.

I want my little girl to know that someone knew she meant everything to me since I was a little girl. Just because the timing isn't my timing, it doesn't mean she is less valuable.

31 weeks

I think of things I want to tell Chloe and never write them down. I feel bad about it, however all of the negative stuff swims in my head for months.

Isn't it always when you can't sleep that you have the one-way conversations with the people you need to let off steam with?

The longer he waits to talk to me the more angry I become. Can I even forgive him at this point?
Here's a parody I wrote and dedicate to him.

Now and then I think of when we were together,
like how you said you were so horny you could die.
Told myself that you were so sexy, but was competing for your company.
We had sex under the tree in late September.

You can get addicted to a certain kind of lover.
Resignation to be used
always just used.
So when I said I did not want to date 
well you said that we would still be friends,
but I will admit that I was sad you did fight it.

BUT You didn't have to cut me off,
make out like it didn't happen and that I don't matter.
 I don't even need your love, but you treat me like a stranger
and I feel so ignored.
You didn't have to stoop so low,
listen to your friends and say she isn't your baby.
I can believe you'd do that though.
Now you're just somebody that I used to Bone.
A body.
Now you're just somebody that I used to Bone.
Now you're just somebody that I used to Bone.
Now you're just somebody that I used to Bone.

Congradulations.

I want to be happy. I really want to be happy, but I am overwhelmed and I don't feel supported. I don't know why. I have plenty of friends and my family lets me live with them, so what's my deal?

I never thought I would be a baby momma.

This is a really hard thing approaching this road without help. The kind of help you get from a man that loves you and lays next to you at night and tells you that you are beautiful even though you feel like a Beluga whale. I keep getting bigger and bigger. The general consensus is that it gets worse. My sweet little soon-to-be-blessing sits on my bladder unforgivingly. I can't ever get comfortable. I am trapped in a fat suit. I can't wait to hold her and be done with the physical burden that no one can carry for me. I am embarrassed and I feel guilty when people notice I'm pregnant. I should be happy, but this is so not where I thought I would be.

Part of me thinks if he just showed some small portion of concern for the sweet new life, I would feel so much more relief. He talks a lot, but no action. He doesn't think she is his. He doesn't think I'm actually pregnant. There's only one explanation of that. He is in denial. It remarkably breaks my heart. I didn't think I would ever care about what he thought, wanted - any of it. I care. As soon as I knew his little baby was in me I started to care about him. I hate that I care. I want to write him off, because Chloe and I will be better off, but I want him around.

I want things for Chloe that she may never get that I can't give her. It literally breaks my heart. I can't say it any other way.

Baby-daddy drama

Earlier today I was thinking: "How am I going to make him care? How am I going to make him talk to me? Is he even going to believe this child is half his flesh and blood?" 

I have been driving myself crazy with the father of this baby. Trying so hard as I do in every relationship I have to do something to make him want me around or to just get what I think I need out of him. It doesn't work like that. You can't make anyone else do anything. You have to simply say 'this is the way it is, but I can do this about it' 

 

I am learning how to let go. I have done pretty well by my interpretation of keeping my cool and not being immature. My anger is not under complete control, but has been renovated.

I have not showed up at his work and made a scene. I have not vandalized his car. I have called him one name this whole time "an ass", but I think I am doing pretty good. I do need to get over thinking I can manipulate him into caring. 

 

So far, based on his behavior .... It's not going to happen. He is going to not care. He thinks all I want is money. While I may need money because of my terrible financial position, I want more for him to be present. I need to stop holding my breath and accept that he will not and cannot be that person. Not for me, my baby, or anyone. 

 

I was looking for encouragement on my go-to site for all my pregnancy curiousities and found this ::

"I give God all the Glory. My daughter is now 16 months old. When I first posted a msg here I was very depressed because I was pregnant without the father of my child around. He chose to party and chase women. I felt so lost, hurt, angry, embarassed like I wouldn't be able to get through it. Going through that at 34 years old when you think you have control over your life and able to make good decisions made me feel worse. Well everything has changed now. Because of the support of the stories I read here,family, friends and talking to so many beautiful strong single parents, I gained the strength I needed to get through the pregnancy and raise my beautiful daughter. I am soooo happy that her father is not around. I never thought i would reach this place And now when he begs for me to take him back now, I tell him I'm sorry, I have absolutely no feelings for attraction for you. I don't hate him. I am just so enjoying my child and look forward to God bringing me a good man."

posted 11/04/2007 by Roni56  babycenter.com 

 

 

hey Roni, thanks for the encouragement. i need the boost sometimes. 

Week 18

I expected a lot different from my first pregnancy.

Expectations: Cuddling in bed with my husband dreaming of baby names and the color of the new little life's eyes. Having back-rubs, favors done, worries discussed in the security of a permanent loving relationship.

Reality: Lots of crying, feeling sorry for myself, worrying about the baby's future, worrying about the father's participation with the baby in the future, and disappointment. Disappointment in myself for not being more capable of taking care of this little person on my own. Disappointment in the baby's father. Disappointment in my decisions, with my lowered standards that lead to an unwed-pregnancy.

I am never physically comfortable. I can imagine this will only increase. I just wish I quit getting nosebleeds, or that I could lay on my stomach again. I love sleeping, but I am so tired. I am getting more energy as this goes on, so that is an upside.

I have no clue about what to expect from the dad. I have heard from my friends that I shouldn't let him be in the child's life at all especially when he is not around. I hear no dad is better than a bad father, but I simply disagree. I think even though I don't love him, and he doesn't love me I can pray to love him like God loves him, so that my child can have a relationship with him. It's time for me to be the 'bigger' person. When I first told him, he seemed so excited and willing to be supportive. Right now he has just dropped of the face of the earth. I think once he told his friends, they put poisonous lies into him. I just want to know who he is. I can't believe I put myself in this position. Shame on me for allowing someone who was basically a stranger to be so intimate with me.

I just saw it as a solution to my pain at the time, but I never thought it would have caused so much more. I know once I see my baby's face this will change. This overwhelming disappointment. I may text him "too much" but how much is too much when my belly is growing everyday and all of the facets of my life are different and will be different from now on. Unfair doesn't even begin to explain the inequality of this situation. I don't have any hope of getting his affection any more. I am really beginning to doubt the seriousness of his initial plans to give the baby attention. I WANTED SO MUCH FOR MY CHILD.

What am I supposed to do?

14 Weeks

"Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another--and all the more as you see the Day approaching." Hebrews 10:25

That's how it starts.

Walk away from the church and eventually you walk away from God. Faith in God is not faith in people. People betray. People get busy. People move on. Putting stock in people is a good way to lose all of your deposits of faith God. I needed to learn. I still need to learn. Depend on God and love other people. No one ever feels like they get what they put into relationships. It's part of loving the way God wants you to love. Forgive other people when they fail you.

Unable to do that, I walked away. Disillusioned, hopeless I turned to where my nature knows I fit in. Drinking and staying out late not only provided me decent hangovers and emptied my extra funds, but started something in my rebellious body that on July 14th, 2013 will be alive and crying and dependent on an unprepared, scared, overwhelmed mother.

Sin feels so good in the moment, but the iceberg of consequences is hiding behind the fog of self-reliance and bitterness. I couldn't get past my heartache long enough to not depend on something I knew would fail.

I have no idea how I am going to pay for this baby. I have no idea if I can believe the father. I am more lost than when I began. I don't think God was 'punishing' me with this, but saving me from myself. The question remains: what now?