Week 18

I expected a lot different from my first pregnancy.

Expectations: Cuddling in bed with my husband dreaming of baby names and the color of the new little life's eyes. Having back-rubs, favors done, worries discussed in the security of a permanent loving relationship.

Reality: Lots of crying, feeling sorry for myself, worrying about the baby's future, worrying about the father's participation with the baby in the future, and disappointment. Disappointment in myself for not being more capable of taking care of this little person on my own. Disappointment in the baby's father. Disappointment in my decisions, with my lowered standards that lead to an unwed-pregnancy.

I am never physically comfortable. I can imagine this will only increase. I just wish I quit getting nosebleeds, or that I could lay on my stomach again. I love sleeping, but I am so tired. I am getting more energy as this goes on, so that is an upside.

I have no clue about what to expect from the dad. I have heard from my friends that I shouldn't let him be in the child's life at all especially when he is not around. I hear no dad is better than a bad father, but I simply disagree. I think even though I don't love him, and he doesn't love me I can pray to love him like God loves him, so that my child can have a relationship with him. It's time for me to be the 'bigger' person. When I first told him, he seemed so excited and willing to be supportive. Right now he has just dropped of the face of the earth. I think once he told his friends, they put poisonous lies into him. I just want to know who he is. I can't believe I put myself in this position. Shame on me for allowing someone who was basically a stranger to be so intimate with me.

I just saw it as a solution to my pain at the time, but I never thought it would have caused so much more. I know once I see my baby's face this will change. This overwhelming disappointment. I may text him "too much" but how much is too much when my belly is growing everyday and all of the facets of my life are different and will be different from now on. Unfair doesn't even begin to explain the inequality of this situation. I don't have any hope of getting his affection any more. I am really beginning to doubt the seriousness of his initial plans to give the baby attention. I WANTED SO MUCH FOR MY CHILD.

What am I supposed to do?