14 Weeks

"Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another--and all the more as you see the Day approaching." Hebrews 10:25

That's how it starts.

Walk away from the church and eventually you walk away from God. Faith in God is not faith in people. People betray. People get busy. People move on. Putting stock in people is a good way to lose all of your deposits of faith God. I needed to learn. I still need to learn. Depend on God and love other people. No one ever feels like they get what they put into relationships. It's part of loving the way God wants you to love. Forgive other people when they fail you.

Unable to do that, I walked away. Disillusioned, hopeless I turned to where my nature knows I fit in. Drinking and staying out late not only provided me decent hangovers and emptied my extra funds, but started something in my rebellious body that on July 14th, 2013 will be alive and crying and dependent on an unprepared, scared, overwhelmed mother.

Sin feels so good in the moment, but the iceberg of consequences is hiding behind the fog of self-reliance and bitterness. I couldn't get past my heartache long enough to not depend on something I knew would fail.

I have no idea how I am going to pay for this baby. I have no idea if I can believe the father. I am more lost than when I began. I don't think God was 'punishing' me with this, but saving me from myself. The question remains: what now?