Ever feel like a song?
Some music does exactly that. Narrates me. Tonight I am sipping my rum and coke and just mourning. I am happy. Life is good. I went to the Disney opening of the Leap Day "One more Disney Day" celebration thing. It was so cool, but now twenty-some hours later- mostly overtired - I am sad again.
It's his birthday today. Happy Birthday, Baby. I miss you. I wish you missed me as much, but I'm sure you are over your use for me. I wish I could have come up with a way to make him tell me more. Make him wait longer, try harder, be more patient. This is happening for a reason. I hope I'm not looking at the past through rose colored glasses. I just thought everything was perfect.
I saw on Facebook that the first ex- that I now realized was NOT healthy or sane- has a baby. He said it wasn't him. It looks just like him. It's always someone that doesn't expect or want those things that gets them. I wasn't jealous, but I was sad. Sad enough to say that I should be looking forward to a beautiful curly headed boy and not facing an uncertain future. I know I don't need all of it right now and there is a reason, but I just didn't want to find myself alone.
YOU don't always get what you want for sure.
Missing the music festival being on this internship thing.
Should I stay here and try to go to school or should I go back home the place I miss and love and belong? If I stay am I holding onto a failed relationship hoping something more will come of my hope?
God, please help me know what my next step is.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
"Thanks for the birthday card and the letter!"
After such resolve to let him go totally, I finally got a response to the letter and birthday card I sent him. I sent it about two weeks ago; when I was weak and I needed the thought of him to keep me going through the day. Here's how yesterday went:
Wow, I'm late. No I'm not.. forgot my lunch! Ugh, wheres the bus?! ::two bus rotations later:: Now I'm late. Yay, work is so fun! Aw, babies! I want a baby. It will be a while now. I want a family. This isn't fair. I should have listened. I should have done things differently, then I could have this possibility. *Cue the longing in my heart for domestication.* Got home. Ahh, finally home eat my awesome food, then to bed early. Not this again- STOP CRYING- God, where are you? I just want the body. I need some support. I need to go to church. Haven't been in three weeks.
I was then invited to a meeting of a group of believers who had started an hour before I even got the response to the text. I got there- after taking the buses- an hour and a half late. They just loved me and met me and embraced me. No impressing them with my school status, or when I was graduating, or where I was from. They just loved me because its a connection you get Biblically to other people who want the same thing from Christ. Everything. If you don't get it, it's ok. It's something you don't get until it's something you really want.
We Christians, believers, the church whatever you want to call us, we mess up and we aren't perfect, but its not about our ability or our name. We want Christ. We mess up because we are just like you, but we want a different life because we realize that pursuing Christ means giving up things that are easy or things you want, but Christ is the prize. I was reminded last night that my life was given to me as a metaphor in the bible as a race. We are running towards Christ and anyone running along side us sharing our lives is doing just that running along side us. We need to remember they do not become the object of our affection. They can be motivators, or inhibitors, but they are a side note.
My heart went home last night ten pounds lighter. After I submitted to Christ in the pursuit of fellowship of believers, God allowed me to get closure. I finally had a sufficient conversation with him that let me in enough to see that he hadn't selfishly used me for company. I was not a filler for his time or a friend when he didn't want to make others. He really considered me the way I was considering him. He was listening to Christ and while I don't agree with his decision, the man is the leader of the relationship. If he is not, then the relationship is bound for trouble. Believe me.
I needed truth spoken to me. I wanted him to tell me that he made a mistake. I got the truth, but I also had the conversation that said "I still love you, but not as intensely. It's not something we can do in the same way right now." I never saw myself as the kind of woman that would wait for a man for years, but I want God's best for me and if it happens to be him I would be blessed and happy. I have never had a better relationship. Now that the smoke is cleared, I can see all of the good and take that with all of the bad. I love him. I don't know if that will change, but he is not my goal: Christ is.
That is my comfort now. I know that a man can love and accept me and not only for the desire to tear my clothes off. He honored me. That's huge. He is a wonderful man. I miss him, because he was my best friend; but I know that if I had it once, I can have it again.
Wow, I'm late. No I'm not.. forgot my lunch! Ugh, wheres the bus?! ::two bus rotations later:: Now I'm late. Yay, work is so fun! Aw, babies! I want a baby. It will be a while now. I want a family. This isn't fair. I should have listened. I should have done things differently, then I could have this possibility. *Cue the longing in my heart for domestication.* Got home. Ahh, finally home eat my awesome food, then to bed early. Not this again- STOP CRYING- God, where are you? I just want the body. I need some support. I need to go to church. Haven't been in three weeks.
I was then invited to a meeting of a group of believers who had started an hour before I even got the response to the text. I got there- after taking the buses- an hour and a half late. They just loved me and met me and embraced me. No impressing them with my school status, or when I was graduating, or where I was from. They just loved me because its a connection you get Biblically to other people who want the same thing from Christ. Everything. If you don't get it, it's ok. It's something you don't get until it's something you really want.
We Christians, believers, the church whatever you want to call us, we mess up and we aren't perfect, but its not about our ability or our name. We want Christ. We mess up because we are just like you, but we want a different life because we realize that pursuing Christ means giving up things that are easy or things you want, but Christ is the prize. I was reminded last night that my life was given to me as a metaphor in the bible as a race. We are running towards Christ and anyone running along side us sharing our lives is doing just that running along side us. We need to remember they do not become the object of our affection. They can be motivators, or inhibitors, but they are a side note.
My heart went home last night ten pounds lighter. After I submitted to Christ in the pursuit of fellowship of believers, God allowed me to get closure. I finally had a sufficient conversation with him that let me in enough to see that he hadn't selfishly used me for company. I was not a filler for his time or a friend when he didn't want to make others. He really considered me the way I was considering him. He was listening to Christ and while I don't agree with his decision, the man is the leader of the relationship. If he is not, then the relationship is bound for trouble. Believe me.
I needed truth spoken to me. I wanted him to tell me that he made a mistake. I got the truth, but I also had the conversation that said "I still love you, but not as intensely. It's not something we can do in the same way right now." I never saw myself as the kind of woman that would wait for a man for years, but I want God's best for me and if it happens to be him I would be blessed and happy. I have never had a better relationship. Now that the smoke is cleared, I can see all of the good and take that with all of the bad. I love him. I don't know if that will change, but he is not my goal: Christ is.
That is my comfort now. I know that a man can love and accept me and not only for the desire to tear my clothes off. He honored me. That's huge. He is a wonderful man. I miss him, because he was my best friend; but I know that if I had it once, I can have it again.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Yackity-yac Don't talk back
I took down all the pictures and untagged them all in the first hour. That's just how it goes. Move on. Move on. MOVE ON. I can bid myself whatever I choose, but I have to force myself to go through with it.
My roommate said to me "If I hear his name one more time..." and I realized that I am my own affliction at this point. Another roommate has a book It's Called a Break-up because It's Broken. I read almost 200 pages tonight of it. When I absorbed the sarcastic pick-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps pages, something clicked. Yes, I did things wrong, but so did he. I don't need to feel so bad and wallow, because he isn't. He didn't just break up with me out of the blue; it was premeditated. He had reasons. He is living his life. Then I had another thought. I'M IN FREAKING FLORIDA! Why the heck shouldn't I be having a good time?!
A good time doesn't mean dressing up like a piece of meat and making out with a fine Brazilian you will never speak to again; because even though I felt vindicated and desirable, I missed him more. It was weird. Every night almost I get to see fireworks at work, and that's what it was like. When I looked in his eyes and he would kiss me, fireworks went off in my heart. THAT'S magic.
To be fair to myself though, it was flawed. We weren't exactly perfect for each other. We broke up because of bad timing, immaturity, inexperience, and some other unnamed suspicions of mine but now that I am single I will count and be grateful for my liberties.
So the book got to this part : no contact for 60 days. Wow two months. I have been crying every day for nearly a month and this sounded perfect. None. If he calls, don't answer. So what? This is what he wanted. He won't call anyway, so why does it matter you took him out of your phone? Good for me. I needed to not even have the option. The book said it and it sounded like a good idea, so lets see how this goes.
February 25, 2012= DAY ONE
My roommate said to me "If I hear his name one more time..." and I realized that I am my own affliction at this point. Another roommate has a book It's Called a Break-up because It's Broken. I read almost 200 pages tonight of it. When I absorbed the sarcastic pick-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps pages, something clicked. Yes, I did things wrong, but so did he. I don't need to feel so bad and wallow, because he isn't. He didn't just break up with me out of the blue; it was premeditated. He had reasons. He is living his life. Then I had another thought. I'M IN FREAKING FLORIDA! Why the heck shouldn't I be having a good time?!
A good time doesn't mean dressing up like a piece of meat and making out with a fine Brazilian you will never speak to again; because even though I felt vindicated and desirable, I missed him more. It was weird. Every night almost I get to see fireworks at work, and that's what it was like. When I looked in his eyes and he would kiss me, fireworks went off in my heart. THAT'S magic.
To be fair to myself though, it was flawed. We weren't exactly perfect for each other. We broke up because of bad timing, immaturity, inexperience, and some other unnamed suspicions of mine but now that I am single I will count and be grateful for my liberties.
- I was always afraid of dancing. I didn't want to cross any lines or set any tones that I wasn't supposed to, so I kept it together. Some self control would be better than just going crazy, but I don't have to walk on egg shells anymore.
- I don't have to carve out time to talk to someone on Skype or the phone as a daily thing. I tried to communicate it was something I wasn't that picky about: "You don't have to call if you don't want"-means now that I think about it .."Please call me, but not out of obligation as if I am a task master, but because you just want to tell me what's on your mind"
- I am not a bad person for enjoying alcohol. HE NEVER SAID I WAS. I was just afraid of coming on a little too strong if I had some around him. I was also trying to save face. I want alcohol very rarely, but I feel bad if someone has issues with it and I want a glass. I mostly don't drink alone. I don't drink when I am sad. And I don't drink to get drunk. I am VERY uptight, so it literally helps me unwind.
- I AM NOT ABRASIVE. This is the most important one. I have wrestled with this because of the reason he gave me for giving up. "You talk too much. You are not approachable." Becomes very quickly, "You have an abrasive personality. You don't care about people- only yourself. You should really learn how to be a better person, so you are tolerable."
So the book got to this part : no contact for 60 days. Wow two months. I have been crying every day for nearly a month and this sounded perfect. None. If he calls, don't answer. So what? This is what he wanted. He won't call anyway, so why does it matter you took him out of your phone? Good for me. I needed to not even have the option. The book said it and it sounded like a good idea, so lets see how this goes.
February 25, 2012= DAY ONE
Friday, February 3, 2012
Today is the First Day of the Rest of My Life.
I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.
I know there's a blue horizon,
Somewhere up ahead, just waiting for me,
Getting there means leaving things behind,
Sometimes life's so bitter sweet.
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.
I know there's a blue horizon,
Somewhere up ahead, just waiting for me,
Getting there means leaving things behind,
Sometimes life's so bitter sweet.
We were like silly kids together. I am told by my friends that I put to much into the relationship. I feel like that's right after realizing how upset I was. How upset I am. Its getting better and my friends are really supportive, but I cant help thinking a lot of things.
He's right to an extent, but no one is perfect either and instead of just gathering myself and moving on I am picking apart all of the things in the relationship and all of the things that I did. I guess that's what all girls do: try to pick themselves apart. Normally its that, or they blame the guy. I am trying to not do either, but I think I could have punched someone in the throat.
I would say, "I should do the one year challenge now", but I think for the time being I can't bring myself to get out of this funk and if a guy wants to get to know me I will let him.
Maybe I am too selfish to have a relationship right now. I don't know how things will get better, but there's no where to go but up from here.
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