After such resolve to let him go totally, I finally got a response to the letter and birthday card I sent him. I sent it about two weeks ago; when I was weak and I needed the thought of him to keep me going through the day. Here's how yesterday went:
Wow, I'm late. No I'm not.. forgot my lunch! Ugh, wheres the bus?! ::two bus rotations later:: Now I'm late. Yay, work is so fun! Aw, babies! I want a baby. It will be a while now. I want a family. This isn't fair. I should have listened. I should have done things differently, then I could have this possibility. *Cue the longing in my heart for domestication.* Got home. Ahh, finally home eat my awesome food, then to bed early. Not this again- STOP CRYING- God, where are you? I just want the body. I need some support. I need to go to church. Haven't been in three weeks.
I was then invited to a meeting of a group of believers who had started an hour before I even got the response to the text. I got there- after taking the buses- an hour and a half late. They just loved me and met me and embraced me. No impressing them with my school status, or when I was graduating, or where I was from. They just loved me because its a connection you get Biblically to other people who want the same thing from Christ. Everything. If you don't get it, it's ok. It's something you don't get until it's something you really want.
We Christians, believers, the church whatever you want to call us, we mess up and we aren't perfect, but its not about our ability or our name. We want Christ. We mess up because we are just like you, but we want a different life because we realize that pursuing Christ means giving up things that are easy or things you want, but Christ is the prize. I was reminded last night that my life was given to me as a metaphor in the bible as a race. We are running towards Christ and anyone running along side us sharing our lives is doing just that running along side us. We need to remember they do not become the object of our affection. They can be motivators, or inhibitors, but they are a side note.
My heart went home last night ten pounds lighter. After I submitted to Christ in the pursuit of fellowship of believers, God allowed me to get closure. I finally had a sufficient conversation with him that let me in enough to see that he hadn't selfishly used me for company. I was not a filler for his time or a friend when he didn't want to make others. He really considered me the way I was considering him. He was listening to Christ and while I don't agree with his decision, the man is the leader of the relationship. If he is not, then the relationship is bound for trouble. Believe me.
I needed truth spoken to me. I wanted him to tell me that he made a mistake. I got the truth, but I also had the conversation that said "I still love you, but not as intensely. It's not something we can do in the same way right now." I never saw myself as the kind of woman that would wait for a man for years, but I want God's best for me and if it happens to be him I would be blessed and happy. I have never had a better relationship. Now that the smoke is cleared, I can see all of the good and take that with all of the bad. I love him. I don't know if that will change, but he is not my goal: Christ is.
That is my comfort now. I know that a man can love and accept me and not only for the desire to tear my clothes off. He honored me. That's huge. He is a wonderful man. I miss him, because he was my best friend; but I know that if I had it once, I can have it again.
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