Hello, my name is CB and I am an angry person.
I feel like I need to go to meetings ... Too bad Al-Anon has a group with 20-somethings and it would really be awkward for me to show up to an anger management group for any other reason short of a court order. It's really easy to get me mad, when I get mad I get even. Recently, at work it has been bad.
I often look down on those people. Why is she gossiping? She isn't better than anyone else here. Recently, that she has been me. I don't know what caused me to get so haughty or self righteous, but when I got my toes stepped on, I knew of no other way to handle it than to go to every living person around to try to gain sympathy and favor. All that does is make you look bad. It's called gossip. Most of the time it makes people afraid to be your friend or tell you anything for fear they are your next victim. Thus, I have successfully turned half of my department against me. I can only thank myself.
GOOD JOB.
I don't know what's going to happen. But I realized there was a trend with all of these people who didn't like me, a pattern : me. As much as you want to think something is not your fault, this time it is. I overreact and say REALLY mean and rude things behind the person's back - IF they ARE lucky. Other times its to them directly.
Same thing happened with every ex I have ever had. I always cut people down for hurting my feelings. It isn't healthy to operate that way.
Even if I wasn't a Christian, that is a form of malevolent behavior that is hard to overlook. AS a CHRISTIAN it is unacceptable. I am ashamed.
God, forgive me for my anger. Forgive me for my need to control people or a situation. Forgive me for claiming I have the right to act in my own defense. Vengeance is Yours. You desire that everyone know how much You want them, how easy forgiveness is to obtain. Please help me unlearn this horrible habit. It is painful to people You love and desire. I don't want to stand in Your way when You try to let me go through a painful situation to learn or grow. Let me learn patience. Thank You for Your patience with me. Amen
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Prone to Wonder
I haven't been acting myself, or have I? Is it acting like myself when I am moody and irritated at every situation and person? Yes. I haven't been modeling Christ to a dying world is what the issue has been. I need to be connected to the Source of life and start acting like Salt and not vinegar. It's so easy for me to be critical and pick everything apart and not enjoy things. If I were to just act like some of the wonderful people I work with Christian or not, I would be more pleasant. So where is the disconnect.
Craig Strickland said, "Sin is saying to God: you have not met my need." So that's what I have been doing. I can't foster these thoughts and lies and expect to feel life bubbling out of me. I know that I need to focus on Christ. The remedy is to remember that He is GOOD. He does not cause His children to needlessly suffer. I also asked for this. I came here to grow. So I need to grow. I am growing .. This is hard, but, Lord, you are the source of life. Help me follow you!
Craig Strickland said, "Sin is saying to God: you have not met my need." So that's what I have been doing. I can't foster these thoughts and lies and expect to feel life bubbling out of me. I know that I need to focus on Christ. The remedy is to remember that He is GOOD. He does not cause His children to needlessly suffer. I also asked for this. I came here to grow. So I need to grow. I am growing .. This is hard, but, Lord, you are the source of life. Help me follow you!
Let thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to thee. Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love; here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above.
Friday, March 9, 2012
REPLAY
Pick apart
/The pieces of your heart
/And let me peer inside
/Let me in/
Where only your thoughts have been/
Let me occupy your mind
As you do mine
You have lost /Too much love /To fear, doubt and distrust (It's not enough)/ You just threw away the key/ To your heart
You don't get burned ('Cause nothing gets through) It makes it easier (Easier on you) But that much more difficult for me To make you see
Love ain't fair So there you are [ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/hearts-a-mess-lyrics-gotye.html ] My love
Your heart's a mess /You won't admit to it/ It makes no sense /But I'm desperate to connect/ And you, you can't live like this
Your heart's a mess/ You won't admit to it / It makes no sense/ But i'm desperate to connect /And you, you can't live like this
Your heart's a mess/ You won't admit to it/ It makes no sense/ But i'm desperate to connect/ And you, you can't live like this
Love ain't safe You won't get hurt if you stay chaste So you can wait But I don't wanna waste my love
You have lost /Too much love /To fear, doubt and distrust (It's not enough)/ You just threw away the key/ To your heart
You don't get burned ('Cause nothing gets through) It makes it easier (Easier on you) But that much more difficult for me To make you see
Love ain't fair So there you are [ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/hearts-a-mess-lyrics-gotye.html ] My love
Your heart's a mess /You won't admit to it/ It makes no sense /But I'm desperate to connect/ And you, you can't live like this
Your heart's a mess/ You won't admit to it / It makes no sense/ But i'm desperate to connect /And you, you can't live like this
Your heart's a mess/ You won't admit to it/ It makes no sense/ But i'm desperate to connect/ And you, you can't live like this
Love ain't safe You won't get hurt if you stay chaste So you can wait But I don't wanna waste my love
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Come Again?
Can't say I expected God to allow me to be tested that way, but then again I am living in one of THE MOST sexually promiscuous housing complexes in the world. No joke.
It all started with a key.
My key has been getting stuck in my apartment door for the past week. It's just a crappy replication no biggie. Today, however, I couldn't get it out. I worked at the dang ol' thing for 15 minutes, took a break and ate, tried again, nothing. UGH. To my relief my very drunk very attractive neighbors were awake. Let's call the one Carlos and the other neighbor #2. {all of my neighbors are attractive South Americans or Central Americans}
#2 had a girl he was kissing on and Carlos is a really sweet guy who has a lot of pressure back home that he just doesn't know how to handle. Carlos has potential. He's a nice guy, just a little misguided. Well, there is a third one hmm I like Ramone. That's his fake name. Ramone is a steamy beautiful specimen of a man. When he talks you want to pay attention. It doesn't even matter what he is saying, because he is that good-looking. So Carlos and #2 were hanging out with the girl and I get them to come over to get my key out. They do and I am so thrilled I give Carlos that piece of pie that I promised him. At this point I'm not tired, so I hang out and talk a while. Listen really. Then here they come the mob of underage party-girls who are falling all over (you guessed) Ramone. He has like 5 girls and a few guys with him. In a matter of ten minutes all of them clear out and go back to where they belong and fate leaves me and Ramone all by ourselves in the hallway.
I sort of expected him to come on to me because his eyes were red and I have been given 'that look' before, but I didn't expect this.
"Will you give me a blow job?"
SAY WHAT??!?
I have never had someone beg me for one before in my life the way he did in front of my door.
I almost closed the door on him. He wouldn't take no for an answer. "Please, let's just go to the bathroom no one will know." Then he seized my neck and started kissing me. BELIEVE ME it was nice, but I knew that even though I had attention, this is not who I am. He made his way in and I said fine, if you want to go to the bathroom go ahead. I planned on leaving him in there and going to bed, but I was afraid he'd go and tell everyone that something happened when it didn't. So I went outside and knocked on the other neighbors' door and said I needed their help. "He just started kissing my neck and asking for a blowjob. He's in my bathroom I don't know what to do." As soon as I finished, Ramone walked out of my apartment.
You would think I missed out.
I didn't.
You would think: "Why not you just got dumped and you can get some gratification out of that, too. Right?"
WRONG.
I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be married to have sex through a committed relationship. I want it for myself.
Gone are the days when I wake up ashamed of myself and what I have done. The old me has died.
I experienced the strength and the victory that is in me today through Christ. Wow. Go God!
Galatians 6:14 As for me, may I never boast about anything except the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ. Because of that cross, my interest in this world has been crucified, and the world’s interest in me has also died.
It all started with a key.
My key has been getting stuck in my apartment door for the past week. It's just a crappy replication no biggie. Today, however, I couldn't get it out. I worked at the dang ol' thing for 15 minutes, took a break and ate, tried again, nothing. UGH. To my relief my very drunk very attractive neighbors were awake. Let's call the one Carlos and the other neighbor #2. {all of my neighbors are attractive South Americans or Central Americans}
#2 had a girl he was kissing on and Carlos is a really sweet guy who has a lot of pressure back home that he just doesn't know how to handle. Carlos has potential. He's a nice guy, just a little misguided. Well, there is a third one hmm I like Ramone. That's his fake name. Ramone is a steamy beautiful specimen of a man. When he talks you want to pay attention. It doesn't even matter what he is saying, because he is that good-looking. So Carlos and #2 were hanging out with the girl and I get them to come over to get my key out. They do and I am so thrilled I give Carlos that piece of pie that I promised him. At this point I'm not tired, so I hang out and talk a while. Listen really. Then here they come the mob of underage party-girls who are falling all over (you guessed) Ramone. He has like 5 girls and a few guys with him. In a matter of ten minutes all of them clear out and go back to where they belong and fate leaves me and Ramone all by ourselves in the hallway.
I sort of expected him to come on to me because his eyes were red and I have been given 'that look' before, but I didn't expect this.
"Will you give me a blow job?"
SAY WHAT??!?
I have never had someone beg me for one before in my life the way he did in front of my door.
I almost closed the door on him. He wouldn't take no for an answer. "Please, let's just go to the bathroom no one will know." Then he seized my neck and started kissing me. BELIEVE ME it was nice, but I knew that even though I had attention, this is not who I am. He made his way in and I said fine, if you want to go to the bathroom go ahead. I planned on leaving him in there and going to bed, but I was afraid he'd go and tell everyone that something happened when it didn't. So I went outside and knocked on the other neighbors' door and said I needed their help. "He just started kissing my neck and asking for a blowjob. He's in my bathroom I don't know what to do." As soon as I finished, Ramone walked out of my apartment.
You would think I missed out.
I didn't.
You would think: "Why not you just got dumped and you can get some gratification out of that, too. Right?"
WRONG.
I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be married to have sex through a committed relationship. I want it for myself.
Gone are the days when I wake up ashamed of myself and what I have done. The old me has died.
I experienced the strength and the victory that is in me today through Christ. Wow. Go God!
Galatians 6:14 As for me, may I never boast about anything except the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ. Because of that cross, my interest in this world has been crucified, and the world’s interest in me has also died.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
You Say It's Your Birthday
Yesterday was his birthday. My fingers hovered over the phone all day. Should I just text him and tell him? Should I break the streak of silence? I just want to hear him miss me. I just want him to know that he is missed. Was he really that remarkable?
Yes.
I caved last night and went and drank. Then coming in listened to a newly purchased break-up song on repeat for thirty minutes and my eyes leaked til I passed out.
His love changed my life. I am a different person and he isn't mine anymore and I'm still not really sure how.
I know that I can't backslide and cope by finding a warm body to get me through this. I want to. I probably could, but it's almost been a year of celibacy; why ruin it now? I need to get a backbone. When a girl I was with that I work with asked me tonight how we met, I told her "in bible study." Well, she didn't exactly catch my drift. She asked, "What's bible study?" Woah! What an opportunity to share the gospel! Except when more than half of our conversations are about how I am checking out someone's bum or some other overtly sexual thing, how am I supposed to tell her about how I am actually supposed to love Jesus and I am living a double life.
Once again, I have backed myself into a corner of having no integrity and betraying the One who has given me a way to live differently. How sick.
I wanted to be a missionary growing up sometimes. Maybe I am one. So how do I act like it?
Happy Birthday Honey Bee. Maybe one of these days I will be able to move on, but today and yesterday I just want to smile into your eyes and hear from you. I need to find my own strength now. I need to find out how I can get to be constant and focused. I need to persevere. Christ is the prize. Why do I fail Him so much? Why am I so much weaker and less focused without you? I miss the reassurance and encouragement you gave me.
I want to tell the girl we met in bible study and give her the right definition.
When will I be that person?
Yes.
I caved last night and went and drank. Then coming in listened to a newly purchased break-up song on repeat for thirty minutes and my eyes leaked til I passed out.
His love changed my life. I am a different person and he isn't mine anymore and I'm still not really sure how.
I know that I can't backslide and cope by finding a warm body to get me through this. I want to. I probably could, but it's almost been a year of celibacy; why ruin it now? I need to get a backbone. When a girl I was with that I work with asked me tonight how we met, I told her "in bible study." Well, she didn't exactly catch my drift. She asked, "What's bible study?" Woah! What an opportunity to share the gospel! Except when more than half of our conversations are about how I am checking out someone's bum or some other overtly sexual thing, how am I supposed to tell her about how I am actually supposed to love Jesus and I am living a double life.
Once again, I have backed myself into a corner of having no integrity and betraying the One who has given me a way to live differently. How sick.
I wanted to be a missionary growing up sometimes. Maybe I am one. So how do I act like it?
Happy Birthday Honey Bee. Maybe one of these days I will be able to move on, but today and yesterday I just want to smile into your eyes and hear from you. I need to find my own strength now. I need to find out how I can get to be constant and focused. I need to persevere. Christ is the prize. Why do I fail Him so much? Why am I so much weaker and less focused without you? I miss the reassurance and encouragement you gave me.
I want to tell the girl we met in bible study and give her the right definition.
When will I be that person?
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