Yesterday was his birthday. My fingers hovered over the phone all day. Should I just text him and tell him? Should I break the streak of silence? I just want to hear him miss me. I just want him to know that he is missed. Was he really that remarkable?
Yes.
I caved last night and went and drank. Then coming in listened to a newly purchased break-up song on repeat for thirty minutes and my eyes leaked til I passed out.
His love changed my life. I am a different person and he isn't mine anymore and I'm still not really sure how.
I know that I can't backslide and cope by finding a warm body to get me through this. I want to. I probably could, but it's almost been a year of celibacy; why ruin it now? I need to get a backbone. When a girl I was with that I work with asked me tonight how we met, I told her "in bible study." Well, she didn't exactly catch my drift. She asked, "What's bible study?" Woah! What an opportunity to share the gospel! Except when more than half of our conversations are about how I am checking out someone's bum or some other overtly sexual thing, how am I supposed to tell her about how I am actually supposed to love Jesus and I am living a double life.
Once again, I have backed myself into a corner of having no integrity and betraying the One who has given me a way to live differently. How sick.
I wanted to be a missionary growing up sometimes. Maybe I am one. So how do I act like it?
Happy Birthday Honey Bee. Maybe one of these days I will be able to move on, but today and yesterday I just want to smile into your eyes and hear from you. I need to find my own strength now. I need to find out how I can get to be constant and focused. I need to persevere. Christ is the prize. Why do I fail Him so much? Why am I so much weaker and less focused without you? I miss the reassurance and encouragement you gave me.
I want to tell the girl we met in bible study and give her the right definition.
When will I be that person?
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