Baby-daddy drama

Earlier today I was thinking: "How am I going to make him care? How am I going to make him talk to me? Is he even going to believe this child is half his flesh and blood?" 

I have been driving myself crazy with the father of this baby. Trying so hard as I do in every relationship I have to do something to make him want me around or to just get what I think I need out of him. It doesn't work like that. You can't make anyone else do anything. You have to simply say 'this is the way it is, but I can do this about it' 

 

I am learning how to let go. I have done pretty well by my interpretation of keeping my cool and not being immature. My anger is not under complete control, but has been renovated.

I have not showed up at his work and made a scene. I have not vandalized his car. I have called him one name this whole time "an ass", but I think I am doing pretty good. I do need to get over thinking I can manipulate him into caring. 

 

So far, based on his behavior .... It's not going to happen. He is going to not care. He thinks all I want is money. While I may need money because of my terrible financial position, I want more for him to be present. I need to stop holding my breath and accept that he will not and cannot be that person. Not for me, my baby, or anyone. 

 

I was looking for encouragement on my go-to site for all my pregnancy curiousities and found this ::

"I give God all the Glory. My daughter is now 16 months old. When I first posted a msg here I was very depressed because I was pregnant without the father of my child around. He chose to party and chase women. I felt so lost, hurt, angry, embarassed like I wouldn't be able to get through it. Going through that at 34 years old when you think you have control over your life and able to make good decisions made me feel worse. Well everything has changed now. Because of the support of the stories I read here,family, friends and talking to so many beautiful strong single parents, I gained the strength I needed to get through the pregnancy and raise my beautiful daughter. I am soooo happy that her father is not around. I never thought i would reach this place And now when he begs for me to take him back now, I tell him I'm sorry, I have absolutely no feelings for attraction for you. I don't hate him. I am just so enjoying my child and look forward to God bringing me a good man."

posted 11/04/2007 by Roni56  babycenter.com 

 

 

hey Roni, thanks for the encouragement. i need the boost sometimes. 

Week 18

I expected a lot different from my first pregnancy.

Expectations: Cuddling in bed with my husband dreaming of baby names and the color of the new little life's eyes. Having back-rubs, favors done, worries discussed in the security of a permanent loving relationship.

Reality: Lots of crying, feeling sorry for myself, worrying about the baby's future, worrying about the father's participation with the baby in the future, and disappointment. Disappointment in myself for not being more capable of taking care of this little person on my own. Disappointment in the baby's father. Disappointment in my decisions, with my lowered standards that lead to an unwed-pregnancy.

I am never physically comfortable. I can imagine this will only increase. I just wish I quit getting nosebleeds, or that I could lay on my stomach again. I love sleeping, but I am so tired. I am getting more energy as this goes on, so that is an upside.

I have no clue about what to expect from the dad. I have heard from my friends that I shouldn't let him be in the child's life at all especially when he is not around. I hear no dad is better than a bad father, but I simply disagree. I think even though I don't love him, and he doesn't love me I can pray to love him like God loves him, so that my child can have a relationship with him. It's time for me to be the 'bigger' person. When I first told him, he seemed so excited and willing to be supportive. Right now he has just dropped of the face of the earth. I think once he told his friends, they put poisonous lies into him. I just want to know who he is. I can't believe I put myself in this position. Shame on me for allowing someone who was basically a stranger to be so intimate with me.

I just saw it as a solution to my pain at the time, but I never thought it would have caused so much more. I know once I see my baby's face this will change. This overwhelming disappointment. I may text him "too much" but how much is too much when my belly is growing everyday and all of the facets of my life are different and will be different from now on. Unfair doesn't even begin to explain the inequality of this situation. I don't have any hope of getting his affection any more. I am really beginning to doubt the seriousness of his initial plans to give the baby attention. I WANTED SO MUCH FOR MY CHILD.

What am I supposed to do?

14 Weeks

"Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another--and all the more as you see the Day approaching." Hebrews 10:25

That's how it starts.

Walk away from the church and eventually you walk away from God. Faith in God is not faith in people. People betray. People get busy. People move on. Putting stock in people is a good way to lose all of your deposits of faith God. I needed to learn. I still need to learn. Depend on God and love other people. No one ever feels like they get what they put into relationships. It's part of loving the way God wants you to love. Forgive other people when they fail you.

Unable to do that, I walked away. Disillusioned, hopeless I turned to where my nature knows I fit in. Drinking and staying out late not only provided me decent hangovers and emptied my extra funds, but started something in my rebellious body that on July 14th, 2013 will be alive and crying and dependent on an unprepared, scared, overwhelmed mother.

Sin feels so good in the moment, but the iceberg of consequences is hiding behind the fog of self-reliance and bitterness. I couldn't get past my heartache long enough to not depend on something I knew would fail.

I have no idea how I am going to pay for this baby. I have no idea if I can believe the father. I am more lost than when I began. I don't think God was 'punishing' me with this, but saving me from myself. The question remains: what now?

New Year's Day

Birthdays are special to me. It's mine today. I'm tired, but this is monumental and must be recorded.

Twenty something is a good age. I am changing and growing so much. So much exposure to better and fuller. It is really making me grateful. It is making me better and not happier, but something greater than happier.

Last year on this day : I was beginning a beautiful relationship.
I was in school. I was not working. I was in a rough patch with God.

Since then: I went to Houston, lived in Orlando, and visited New Orleans.
I worked for Disney took two months off, now I work two jobs.
I learned so much about how to love other people.  I learned more about how to be a woman. I got my feelings back. I got over a terrible relationship and I had a wonderful one that I lost. I met tons of people and have applied to five nursing schools. I respect my mother and can remain patient with her. I can fellowship with someone I work with. What's better though is that for once I am not only just excited about other people, but I am MORE enthusiastic about other people than I ever was. than I am about myself. For the first time ever. My heart is so full. I don't really know how else to say it.

Out of really low lows this past year God has brought me to a place of restoration again in community. He is teaching me to trust Him financially. Humbling me in my jobs by giving me opportunities to be loving instead of angry.
This is the upside of addiction. This is the upside of growing closer to God away from yourself.

I am beginning to feel contentment.
God, I am so grateful for where you have taken my life. I do miss someone to share my life with in that special way, but I have given that part of my life to Your capable and faithful hands.
thanks. I want to trust You. Thank you God for Birthdays. for beginnings. It's a brand new year for me. It's a fresh start.

Day 120 wow. didn't even realize. crazy.

Joyfully

Picked up my guitar today. It was for the right reasons this time. I wasn't trying to impress anyone but Jesus. It was a good day. I missed the feeling of having sore fingers. I hope they aren't sore for long though. I want to be a veteran soon. Strumming and jamming for fun will be nice when I get there. I'm excited for that day.

I think listening to Indie rock and jazz helped me over that wall that was keeping me from understanding and having free flowing playing. I am excited. Excited about my job, my friends, my hobbies and the possibilities for the future. Genuinely excited for once.

Thank you, Lord, for my new life. Help me keep up my full heart. Thank you for helping me heal. I didn't think this day would actually come. Help me appreciate you as a friend. Amen.

Grape Escape: Day 104

Do you remember that board game 'Grape Escape?' The one where the point of it was to make a grape and try to get it through the whole set without smashing your grape? I feel like that play dough grape. I run from my crushing. That's normal. It's definitely something a normal person would do. BUT I am not normal.
Galatians 6:14 "...The world has been crucified to me through the cross, and I to the world." Crucified. Crushed. Dead. Buried. Crushed like a grape that has given its life, poured out. Like Christ.  Being crushed and not allowing someone to mistreat you are two different things. Being crushed and being offended at not getting the credit you deserve are two contrasting behaviors. Yes, by the world's standards I am in the right for throwing the girl I work with under the bus and quitting, but by God's standards I was in that place for that task. To love her and to be crushed so that I produced a thirst-quenching life-giving drink. I failed by giving up and moving on. 
Why then do I desire to stay? It started when a guy at work said,"Please, don't quit." Wow. My friend helped me see that I wanted to stay because I loved and feed off of the validation I get and security from being in a group with people who don't like my coworker. Instead of hanging my head and moving on, I started to feel indignation. I began to say, 'Who is she to push me around?Nobody likes her anyway.'  It would satisfy my flesh to cut her down. I remember the last time I really put someone "in their place" and I never want to feel that kind of regret again. It's safe to say that I was just being apprehensive about my new job, because I was finally getting the sympathy and the validation that I crave. I was harboring it and nurturing it.  Luckily, my friend saw right through the situation to the real issues at war in my head and helped me see what kind of mistake it would be to stay at a place where I had made a lot of poor decisions. I have a fresh start here. God, please help me not mess this up. Amen.

http://ellerslie.com/Eric_Ludy_Sermons/Entries/2012/8/12_Life_as_a_Grape.html

Day 100: Here's to Milestones

 The past week my eyes have been blood-shot. Insomnia hasn't really helped the situation. Maybe insomnia is the wrong word. I have a weird sleep schedule. Coming back to my hometown, I just became a bum and spent ninety percent of my time in bed. I can say its getting better. "It's getting better all the time."

Why is the solution to all of my problems 'burn the bridge and run'? I can't run from all of the issues that I am ever going to have. I loved my job, but I put in my two weeks notice; because I was tired of bussing alone. I am at the bottom of the food chain. I don't want to even work a minimum wage job, but I applied at another one thinking I would be more respected. I feel the same about it. It's so humiliating to me. Being elbow deep in oil or mayo and some weird mush on the underside of that plate I just picked up. I just wish that I could sincerely enjoy something.

I hope I am leaving the other place where I can come back. I hope. I would work two jobs. It's not fulfilling though. Was that what I was looking for? Fulfillment?

It's amazing to me that I present myself to the world as having a lot of information. I mean, I do know things: how many bones are in the body, the way to saute` mushrooms, or just bits of interesting things. In my own private world there are so many lingering questions. So many things that I have a deep desire to know, but can't have the answers to. I can't know everything. I am ok with that. I just want to know what I am looking for. I just want to know how to be content. How do I stop dwelling on the past? How do I move on? Why are my eyes red? Why does my body feel weird? What can put my sleep cycle back in place?

One thing I feel very happy about are the friends I have to support me. More and more I am feeling fulfilled and happy about my family, too. I love them. They make me feel like there is a reason I am.

When you matter to someone, when a person lets you into their world, their heart and talks to you for five hours at a time and makes pancake muffins with you and has you over for coffee, when someone invites you out bowling, or asks you to help watch their newborn: you know that those people DON'T need you but they WANT you. Isn't that beautiful? I am starting to appreciate my friends in a deeper way now. I see that these are solid friendships. I am learning how to be a friend. How to appreciate. Learning how to love. "I wish that I knew what I know now when I was younger".

Listening to love songs about regret still bring me back to that day. I think maybe this is the part where I exile love songs from my life for the time being. I don't want to do anything that drastic; I just don't know what else to do.

God,
Help me be content. Thank you for my friends. Help me let go. It's been so long. Why can't I let go still? Why does the one bad thing over-shadow and over-take all of the GOOD? Help me be content. Save me from myself. Help me give this to you! Help me find sleep at better hours of the day. Thank you for blessing me and having your hand in my life. Amen