Bloodshot Eyes

I was really excited when I got really cozy on the couch and passed out at 22:00 today. I was relieved because I am not accustomed to having problems with sleeping because of things troubling me, but here I am. I can't sleep. Night after night after night. Could working so hard until I dropped have been the only thing closing my eyes at the end of the day? I'm sure at this point it was. Now, I am jobless, useless, floating through the summer months and I can't sleep.

It used to not bother me. All of the boys. All of the nights in random beds in random arms. It was some masochistic kind of comfort. "If I can't have a husband now, at least I am being appreciated somehow." I remember all of them. I can't get their faces out of my head. Every time I snuggle my pillow or teddy bear, it becomes one of those monsters.

Maybe I'm just not tired.

Day 35 of "singleness" but I still flirt and feed off of the attention that is now making me sick. What is going on with me? I thought I was coming back to friends. I was coming back to love and support, but I'm still longing. I want solidarity. I want comfort. I want to not be lonely.

I know I need to make critical progress in my life before I go about having a successful relationship anyway, but I want someone like who he was to me. Always eager and available. I have gone through how I messed it up a hundred and one times and I know that I would probably mess something even better up the same way. I thought I would feel better six months later. Instead the boney finger of accusation has been pointed at me in the foggy trance between wake and sleep.

I don't know if it means I need more friends or different ones if I can't get the ones I thought I had to spend time with me... but I can't do life alone like this.

No place I'd rather be

I want to talk to him still ... Three months after my heart was breaking all over my couch and the gore was every where I still want to look into his eyes. I don't know what I would see. Could I do better? Am I further along in my journey? Were we going at different paces or had he not desire to go where I was going? 

I miss my guitar.
I miss my family.
I miss my friends.
I miss my car.
I miss familiar.

So do I miss him because he is the familiar? I don't want that. He was so good to me, but good enough to hit a rough patch and RUN. Pop says, "Do you want to be with someone that hurt you like that?" Forgiveness is available, but is it desired?

I find myself drawing a line in the sand.
I can find someone else maybe.
I know that I can love someone else.

My ornery white knuckled grip on our dead relationship is more like an open palm now. I cherish it. I cherish him, but you can't limit yourself to someone that "saw the awesome that was you and said 'no thanks I think I will try my luck elsewhere"'(It's called a Break-Up Because It's Broken)

He never promised me anything really. He promised me that he would be good to me, but he also promised me that he had no clue what he wanted. He seemed more and more unsure as time went on. I almost feel as if he were a promise himself from the Promise Keeper. "You can have this. It's possible. Don't put up with a boy looking at you that way ever again. You should be looked at like this, treated like this."


I now hear love songs being sung to me by the One who says "Yeah, I knew that about you when we started this, but I told you I was in this for the long haul"
..Being confident in this, that He that began a good work in you will carry it on to completion to the day of Christ. Phil 1:6

One is the Loneliest Number

I some how always miss the part of a new situation where people form groups.

I'm never in the loop and I don't have like a half dozen people on hand to go do anything random with at all times. I feel slighted. I feel like its my fault. and I feel like people don't WANT to spend time with me. It kind of sucks.

One Quarter

I write when I can't sleep
to alleviate my mind.
Why am I here in this place?
Why do I
go to his facebook and
stare and read
and kick myself for not being better for him,
to him?
I was as good as I could be. Why let it still bother me? Why did I do what I did? The boy on my couch that my roommates have the right to harass me about is not the one that stood next to me in the moonlight terrified to hold me too close so we wouldn't cross any lines.

It didn't make me feel better.

Rachel...


why when I hear this girls name escape from his lips does my mind race? He literally means nothing to me the hot tub boy that exercised no restraint but he whispers a woman's name to his friend and my stomach does a flip.
I looked at someone else's facebook today, too: Hot tub boy's.
There she was. Standing next to him mocking me from thousands of miles away and months ago: Rachel.
He'd been acting strange. Nothing would come of this we both knew, but 'just pretend for me like I pretend for you'. It will comfort me. It's the only thing I know works. BOLD FACED LIES!

Sitting in class tending his phone like a new born baby he exchanged hushed words to his friend about nothing in particular until I heard this name.

"I am there, too. It's ok. I'm worse off than you are. I promise. I'm living a lie, too. I seem to be preoccupied by  the opposite sex, But I'm normal I promise. I have dreams. I loved once. My favorite food is sushi, or guacamole, or banana bread depending on my mood. I am interesting. Be interested in me."

Did I tell him that I know how it is to run from your faith? Did I tell him that I hated the mistake I made and that I was sad I took advantage of him? No. I sat there and giggled at him winking at me as if I had no window into his life.  It's as if living here has given me an excuse to be who I am without Christ, without direction, without myself. I AM NOT A FOLLOWER. Why have I been led off this cliff like a blind pig?

God, have mercy on me. I am defeated. I choose over and over to ruin Your escape plan for me and charge head on into heart ache. I miss my life God. I miss my integrity. I miss having people know where I stand because I know where I stand. Get me out of here. Out of my rose colored memories, free from my behaviors, away from my wicked stubborn heart. Make me selfless. I want to be a good witness to Charlotte. She is beautiful and wonderful, but has no desire to spend time with me because all I talk about is boys and its annoying. I annoy myself. God help me. I have a burden to talk to her about you and I never can spend any time with her. Grow me. Help me. Get me off of Ex-Mr.Wonderful's facebook because HE dumped ME.

amen

Its called "the Noodle"

   I dance all the time at work. I dance all the time. In the shower, putting away my groceries, I dance every where. If I'm not dancing, I'm singing; or I'm doing  both.  My roommates call me Sun drop because of the Sun drop commercial where the girl dances after having a sip of lemon-lime cola.... yeah that's me. I drop it like its hot. I have been dancing at work outside, but Easter was particularly fun. Me and God had beef until recently. I keep holding different things against Him saying : "If You loved me I wouldn't be alone. I'm so lonely here. This is so hard. Why are You doing this to me? If I am supposed to be lonely to follow You, I guess I will just not follow You." So for however many weeks, I slipped more slowly into this mind frame. I needed to be grateful and say " You chose this for my life. You will not give me anything I can't handle. There is no temptation that has ceased me accept that which is common to man. You are on my team. If You are for me who can be against?"

BUT
I chose the former. I felt like I was dying. It's funny how the enemy sets you on the path away from God and you justify staying there because you feel so horrible and blame God for your feelings instead of realizing that you feel like that because you are away from Him in the first place. Just the past few days I have felt better than the past three weeks. THE lifestyle of faith requires that you abandon questions that you dwell on to live in a current moment of comfort to live in statements of truth founded on Christ that you may suffer moments of discomfort for a lifetime of reward.
Here is how I know God is good. In my running from Him he sent THREE people into my life to speak truth in love about the faith to me.

The first was my mother. She ended up pleading with me to remain faithful to God and my commitment to not have sex before marriage and love the Lord. Her determination was frightfully haunting, but I still had a bad attitude about not hearing back from a guy I ended up taking the wrong direction with after a date. The second was a girl at the bus stop. She saw that I had begun reading Crazy Love and told me it was good even if you didn't watch the videos. =) She told me it had been hard for her to get to church and her faith was floundering too. The third was a woman I talked to the first or second week I was here named Leah.
She assured me that making her commitment to save her self for her husband even after her mistakes changed a lot about herself and grew her closer to God. She said "I know that my husband is God's best for me." Wow. That brings tears to my eyes.  I want to get where I know that He Himself is sufficient and the only One I need, but hearing that from her was confirmation that the EX may not be the one, but if Christ is He will give me the desires of my heart.

Lord, be with me in my struggles. Help me hold onto you. Help me remain committed to Your Word and Truth. I need You Jesus to come to my rescue. Where else can I go? I feel like I ruin a lot, but help me to know that You fix everything because you made everything and I just need to be willing. I love You. I want to love You. Help me follow You.
Amen

Secrets secrets are no fun.

Hello, my name is CB and I am an angry person.

I feel like I need to go to meetings ... Too bad Al-Anon has a group with 20-somethings and it would really be awkward for me to show up to an anger management group for any other reason short of a court order. It's really easy to get me mad, when I get mad I get even. Recently, at work it has been bad.

 I often look down on those people. Why is she gossiping? She isn't better than anyone else here. Recently, that she has been me. I don't know what caused me to get so haughty or self righteous, but when I got my toes stepped on, I knew of no other way to handle it than to go to every living person around to try to gain sympathy and favor.  All that does is make you look bad. It's called gossip. Most of the time it makes people afraid to be your friend or tell you anything for fear they are your next victim. Thus, I have successfully turned half of my department against me. I can only thank myself.

GOOD JOB.

I don't know what's going to happen. But I realized there was a trend with all of these people who didn't like me, a pattern : me. As much as you want to think something is not your fault, this time it is. I overreact and say REALLY mean and rude things behind the person's back - IF they ARE lucky. Other times its to them directly.

Same thing happened with every ex I have ever had. I always cut people down for hurting my feelings. It isn't healthy to operate that way.

Even if I wasn't a Christian, that is a form of malevolent behavior that is hard to overlook. AS a CHRISTIAN it is unacceptable. I am ashamed.

God, forgive me for my anger. Forgive me for my need to control people or a situation. Forgive me for claiming I have the right to act in my own defense. Vengeance is Yours. You desire that everyone know how much You want them, how easy forgiveness is to obtain. Please help me unlearn this horrible habit. It is painful to people You love and desire. I don't want to stand in Your way when You try to let me go through a painful situation to learn or grow. Let me learn patience. Thank You for Your patience with me. Amen

Prone to Wonder

I haven't been acting myself, or have I? Is it acting like myself when I am moody and irritated at every situation and person? Yes. I haven't been modeling Christ to a dying world is what the issue has been. I need to be connected to the Source of life and start acting like Salt and not vinegar. It's so easy for me to be critical and pick everything apart and not enjoy things. If I were to just act like some of the wonderful people I work with Christian or not, I would be more pleasant. So where is the disconnect.

Craig Strickland said, "Sin is saying to God: you have not met my need." So that's what I have been doing. I can't foster these thoughts and lies and expect to feel life bubbling out of me. I know that I need to focus on Christ. The remedy is to remember that He is GOOD. He does not cause His children to needlessly suffer. I also asked for this. I came here to grow. So I need to grow. I am growing .. This is hard, but, Lord, you are the source of life. Help me follow you!

Let thy goodness, like a fetter, 
 bind my wandering heart to thee. 
 Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, 
 prone to leave the God I love; 
 here's my heart, O take and seal it, 
 seal it for thy courts above.

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