Birthdays are special to me. It's mine today. I'm tired, but this is monumental and must be recorded.
Twenty something is a good age. I am changing and growing so much. So much exposure to better and fuller. It is really making me grateful. It is making me better and not happier, but something greater than happier.
Last year on this day : I was beginning a beautiful relationship.
I was in school. I was not working. I was in a rough patch with God.
Since then: I went to Houston, lived in Orlando, and visited New Orleans.
I worked for Disney took two months off, now I work two jobs.
I learned so much about how to love other people. I learned more about how to be a woman. I got my feelings back. I got over a terrible relationship and I had a wonderful one that I lost. I met tons of people and have applied to five nursing schools. I respect my mother and can remain patient with her. I can fellowship with someone I work with. What's better though is that for once I am not only just excited about other people, but I am MORE enthusiastic about other people than I ever was. than I am about myself. For the first time ever. My heart is so full. I don't really know how else to say it.
Out of really low lows this past year God has brought me to a place of restoration again in community. He is teaching me to trust Him financially. Humbling me in my jobs by giving me opportunities to be loving instead of angry.
This is the upside of addiction. This is the upside of growing closer to God away from yourself.
I am beginning to feel contentment.
God, I am so grateful for where you have taken my life. I do miss someone to share my life with in that special way, but I have given that part of my life to Your capable and faithful hands.
thanks. I want to trust You. Thank you God for Birthdays. for beginnings. It's a brand new year for me. It's a fresh start.
Day 120 wow. didn't even realize. crazy.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Joyfully
Picked up my guitar today. It was for the right reasons this time. I wasn't trying to impress anyone but Jesus. It was a good day. I missed the feeling of having sore fingers. I hope they aren't sore for long though. I want to be a veteran soon. Strumming and jamming for fun will be nice when I get there. I'm excited for that day.
I think listening to Indie rock and jazz helped me over that wall that was keeping me from understanding and having free flowing playing. I am excited. Excited about my job, my friends, my hobbies and the possibilities for the future. Genuinely excited for once.
Thank you, Lord, for my new life. Help me keep up my full heart. Thank you for helping me heal. I didn't think this day would actually come. Help me appreciate you as a friend. Amen.
I think listening to Indie rock and jazz helped me over that wall that was keeping me from understanding and having free flowing playing. I am excited. Excited about my job, my friends, my hobbies and the possibilities for the future. Genuinely excited for once.
Thank you, Lord, for my new life. Help me keep up my full heart. Thank you for helping me heal. I didn't think this day would actually come. Help me appreciate you as a friend. Amen.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Grape Escape: Day 104
Do you remember that board game 'Grape Escape?' The one where the point of it was to make a grape and try to get it through the whole set without smashing your grape? I feel like that play dough grape. I run from my crushing. That's normal. It's definitely something a normal person would do. BUT I am not normal.
Galatians 6:14 "...The world has been crucified to me through the cross, and I to the world." Crucified. Crushed. Dead. Buried. Crushed like a grape that has given its life, poured out. Like Christ. Being crushed and not allowing someone to mistreat you are two different things. Being crushed and being offended at not getting the credit you deserve are two contrasting behaviors. Yes, by the world's standards I am in the right for throwing the girl I work with under the bus and quitting, but by God's standards I was in that place for that task. To love her and to be crushed so that I produced a thirst-quenching life-giving drink. I failed by giving up and moving on.
Why then do I desire to stay? It started when a guy at work said,"Please, don't quit." Wow. My friend helped me see that I wanted to stay because I loved and feed off of the validation I get and security from being in a group with people who don't like my coworker. Instead of hanging my head and moving on, I started to feel indignation. I began to say, 'Who is she to push me around?Nobody likes her anyway.' It would satisfy my flesh to cut her down. I remember the last time I really put someone "in their place" and I never want to feel that kind of regret again. It's safe to say that I was just being apprehensive about my new job, because I was finally getting the sympathy and the validation that I crave. I was harboring it and nurturing it. Luckily, my friend saw right through the situation to the real issues at war in my head and helped me see what kind of mistake it would be to stay at a place where I had made a lot of poor decisions. I have a fresh start here. God, please help me not mess this up. Amen.
http://ellerslie.com/Eric_Ludy_Sermons/Entries/2012/8/12_Life_as_a_Grape.html
Galatians 6:14 "...The world has been crucified to me through the cross, and I to the world." Crucified. Crushed. Dead. Buried. Crushed like a grape that has given its life, poured out. Like Christ. Being crushed and not allowing someone to mistreat you are two different things. Being crushed and being offended at not getting the credit you deserve are two contrasting behaviors. Yes, by the world's standards I am in the right for throwing the girl I work with under the bus and quitting, but by God's standards I was in that place for that task. To love her and to be crushed so that I produced a thirst-quenching life-giving drink. I failed by giving up and moving on.
Why then do I desire to stay? It started when a guy at work said,"Please, don't quit." Wow. My friend helped me see that I wanted to stay because I loved and feed off of the validation I get and security from being in a group with people who don't like my coworker. Instead of hanging my head and moving on, I started to feel indignation. I began to say, 'Who is she to push me around?Nobody likes her anyway.' It would satisfy my flesh to cut her down. I remember the last time I really put someone "in their place" and I never want to feel that kind of regret again. It's safe to say that I was just being apprehensive about my new job, because I was finally getting the sympathy and the validation that I crave. I was harboring it and nurturing it. Luckily, my friend saw right through the situation to the real issues at war in my head and helped me see what kind of mistake it would be to stay at a place where I had made a lot of poor decisions. I have a fresh start here. God, please help me not mess this up. Amen.
http://ellerslie.com/Eric_Ludy_Sermons/Entries/2012/8/12_Life_as_a_Grape.html
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Day 100: Here's to Milestones
The past week my eyes have been blood-shot. Insomnia hasn't really helped the situation. Maybe insomnia is the wrong word. I have a weird sleep schedule. Coming back to my hometown, I just became a bum and spent ninety percent of my time in bed. I can say its getting better. "It's getting better all the time."
Why is the solution to all of my problems 'burn the bridge and run'? I can't run from all of the issues that I am ever going to have. I loved my job, but I put in my two weeks notice; because I was tired of bussing alone. I am at the bottom of the food chain. I don't want to even work a minimum wage job, but I applied at another one thinking I would be more respected. I feel the same about it. It's so humiliating to me. Being elbow deep in oil or mayo and some weird mush on the underside of that plate I just picked up. I just wish that I could sincerely enjoy something.
I hope I am leaving the other place where I can come back. I hope. I would work two jobs. It's not fulfilling though. Was that what I was looking for? Fulfillment?
It's amazing to me that I present myself to the world as having a lot of information. I mean, I do know things: how many bones are in the body, the way to saute` mushrooms, or just bits of interesting things. In my own private world there are so many lingering questions. So many things that I have a deep desire to know, but can't have the answers to. I can't know everything. I am ok with that. I just want to know what I am looking for. I just want to know how to be content. How do I stop dwelling on the past? How do I move on? Why are my eyes red? Why does my body feel weird? What can put my sleep cycle back in place?
One thing I feel very happy about are the friends I have to support me. More and more I am feeling fulfilled and happy about my family, too. I love them. They make me feel like there is a reason I am.
When you matter to someone, when a person lets you into their world, their heart and talks to you for five hours at a time and makes pancake muffins with you and has you over for coffee, when someone invites you out bowling, or asks you to help watch their newborn: you know that those people DON'T need you but they WANT you. Isn't that beautiful? I am starting to appreciate my friends in a deeper way now. I see that these are solid friendships. I am learning how to be a friend. How to appreciate. Learning how to love. "I wish that I knew what I know now when I was younger".
Listening to love songs about regret still bring me back to that day. I think maybe this is the part where I exile love songs from my life for the time being. I don't want to do anything that drastic; I just don't know what else to do.
God,
Help me be content. Thank you for my friends. Help me let go. It's been so long. Why can't I let go still? Why does the one bad thing over-shadow and over-take all of the GOOD? Help me be content. Save me from myself. Help me give this to you! Help me find sleep at better hours of the day. Thank you for blessing me and having your hand in my life. Amen
Why is the solution to all of my problems 'burn the bridge and run'? I can't run from all of the issues that I am ever going to have. I loved my job, but I put in my two weeks notice; because I was tired of bussing alone. I am at the bottom of the food chain. I don't want to even work a minimum wage job, but I applied at another one thinking I would be more respected. I feel the same about it. It's so humiliating to me. Being elbow deep in oil or mayo and some weird mush on the underside of that plate I just picked up. I just wish that I could sincerely enjoy something.
I hope I am leaving the other place where I can come back. I hope. I would work two jobs. It's not fulfilling though. Was that what I was looking for? Fulfillment?
It's amazing to me that I present myself to the world as having a lot of information. I mean, I do know things: how many bones are in the body, the way to saute` mushrooms, or just bits of interesting things. In my own private world there are so many lingering questions. So many things that I have a deep desire to know, but can't have the answers to. I can't know everything. I am ok with that. I just want to know what I am looking for. I just want to know how to be content. How do I stop dwelling on the past? How do I move on? Why are my eyes red? Why does my body feel weird? What can put my sleep cycle back in place?
One thing I feel very happy about are the friends I have to support me. More and more I am feeling fulfilled and happy about my family, too. I love them. They make me feel like there is a reason I am.
When you matter to someone, when a person lets you into their world, their heart and talks to you for five hours at a time and makes pancake muffins with you and has you over for coffee, when someone invites you out bowling, or asks you to help watch their newborn: you know that those people DON'T need you but they WANT you. Isn't that beautiful? I am starting to appreciate my friends in a deeper way now. I see that these are solid friendships. I am learning how to be a friend. How to appreciate. Learning how to love. "I wish that I knew what I know now when I was younger".
Listening to love songs about regret still bring me back to that day. I think maybe this is the part where I exile love songs from my life for the time being. I don't want to do anything that drastic; I just don't know what else to do.
God,
Help me be content. Thank you for my friends. Help me let go. It's been so long. Why can't I let go still? Why does the one bad thing over-shadow and over-take all of the GOOD? Help me be content. Save me from myself. Help me give this to you! Help me find sleep at better hours of the day. Thank you for blessing me and having your hand in my life. Amen
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Day 55: The OYC Manifesto
My friend's father is backing out on his promise to take her hiking on Mount Fuji. She went out of her way to renew her passport, expedite it, buy hiking boots, luggage; and he won't even return her phone calls. She ended up telling me that the most disappointing thing was figuring out what her dad was actually like. He was actually mildly immature. She realized he was not perfect.
That hit me like a ton of bricks.
I remembered my epiphany when I realized that my dad wasn't perfect. That he was human and realizing all of the ways he had failed me. It is difficult, because I love my father. He is one of the greatest men in history. But the time comes when you have to get real with yourself and see the truth about your family so that you can see the truth about yourself.
My sister was in her first year of recovery from opiate addiction, and I was trying to start -get this- a year without dating. I had in the beginning of my family confronting my sister's physical addiction come face to face with my own, but could not find it in myself to come clean. Addicted to sex. There's no nice way to pull off the bandaids and cry about that one. You become cold and calculating. Not crying or resembling a woman in any sense. Numb. Numb to the world, to the people you hurt and who hurt you, but oddly numb to LOVE (the ONLY thing you crave). I was broken. So I decided to offer myself to the only thing I had known to work in my life ever.
God. It worked beautifully. Now, after soaking in my self pity over and over again, I am ready to finally cleanse myself to the core and up root the thing that caused this upheaval in the first place, but where did it come from?
Reading a lot of books about addiction showed me that a lot of women get involved in sex addiction because of the lack of healthy attention from their fathers. I thought "No, that's not me! My dad is an amazing man and we get along perfectly." Only through some very painful probing of my heart, seeing what it really meant to be in an unhealthy relationship then after nine months of separation from that guy finally experiencing what love really looks like, I saw that my relationship with my father was a reflection of how I saw men. I am no victim. I have made poor decisions and used bad judgement, but rooted in some of those was a desire to be desired - to be fulfilled and approved as a woman. I was always too afraid of my dad or scared to make my mom jealous to get my dad's attention, so I went to someone else. Then to someone else. And someone else and someone else and so on.
A little girl's hero is her father. I read that in Wild at Heart or Captivating both by John Eldridge. We all mess up, so when we do we effect other people. I just want to make sure now that 310 days from now, it will no longer be the person that I want to marry whom I tear apart with my hurtful, broken, attempts at self preservation. I desire to be whole. Fulfilled outside of a relationship. I want to no longer cry and cry over my parents, my lost love, or my feeling of inadequacy. I want to draw near to the Lord, because He said He would return the favor and He not only keeps His promises, but His presence is a reward in itself.
That hit me like a ton of bricks.
I remembered my epiphany when I realized that my dad wasn't perfect. That he was human and realizing all of the ways he had failed me. It is difficult, because I love my father. He is one of the greatest men in history. But the time comes when you have to get real with yourself and see the truth about your family so that you can see the truth about yourself.
My sister was in her first year of recovery from opiate addiction, and I was trying to start -get this- a year without dating. I had in the beginning of my family confronting my sister's physical addiction come face to face with my own, but could not find it in myself to come clean. Addicted to sex. There's no nice way to pull off the bandaids and cry about that one. You become cold and calculating. Not crying or resembling a woman in any sense. Numb. Numb to the world, to the people you hurt and who hurt you, but oddly numb to LOVE (the ONLY thing you crave). I was broken. So I decided to offer myself to the only thing I had known to work in my life ever.
God. It worked beautifully. Now, after soaking in my self pity over and over again, I am ready to finally cleanse myself to the core and up root the thing that caused this upheaval in the first place, but where did it come from?
Reading a lot of books about addiction showed me that a lot of women get involved in sex addiction because of the lack of healthy attention from their fathers. I thought "No, that's not me! My dad is an amazing man and we get along perfectly." Only through some very painful probing of my heart, seeing what it really meant to be in an unhealthy relationship then after nine months of separation from that guy finally experiencing what love really looks like, I saw that my relationship with my father was a reflection of how I saw men. I am no victim. I have made poor decisions and used bad judgement, but rooted in some of those was a desire to be desired - to be fulfilled and approved as a woman. I was always too afraid of my dad or scared to make my mom jealous to get my dad's attention, so I went to someone else. Then to someone else. And someone else and someone else and so on.
A little girl's hero is her father. I read that in Wild at Heart or Captivating both by John Eldridge. We all mess up, so when we do we effect other people. I just want to make sure now that 310 days from now, it will no longer be the person that I want to marry whom I tear apart with my hurtful, broken, attempts at self preservation. I desire to be whole. Fulfilled outside of a relationship. I want to no longer cry and cry over my parents, my lost love, or my feeling of inadequacy. I want to draw near to the Lord, because He said He would return the favor and He not only keeps His promises, but His presence is a reward in itself.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Stubborn
I continue to hear "Your life is not a fairytale." I refuse to believe that.
One day I will have a Prince Charming. It will be.
One day I will have a Prince Charming. It will be.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Shades of Grey
We have a ficus tree that my family received almost two years ago when my grandmother died. When it arrived, my heart was warmed and I decided to take responsibility of the plant, because my parents both have black thumbs. It has started to shrivel. I water it every other day and it sits in a wonderful sun-spot of our kitchen; so, what is the problem. Why has this once lush plant begun to dry and deteriorate?
It's roots have out grown the pot. I have no means to re-pot my beautiful plant and the roots are beginning to grow out of the soil. Growth is natural when something is maintained in a healthy environment and given cause to flourish.
I realized this was the problem because I myself have come to this problem. The question is now, have I outgrown just living with my family in this house, or have I outgrown this city, have I out grown my friends? Do I really even have friends anymore?
I keep thinking all of these things will make me happy. Once I actually get them I see that none of the things are making me any more content with the condition of my life. Am I just determined to be melancholy? Have I just been disconnected so long that connectedness seems so irrational? Have I just been dependent on my family for so long that independence seems irrational?
Give me a purpose or I will die. I can no longer sit in my parents house unmoved and unproductive without occupation or distraction. I need to see some sort of change. I have yearned for something and put all of my efforts and hopes into FAILED relationships and plans. Now, I am left with table scraps of dreams and a huge allotment of time to try to scrounge together some sort of motivation for even getting out of bed in the morning.
My soul aches. I want friendships that I felt were so deep before. I want to restore the happiness I felt to be in the arms of a man I knew loved the Lord. I want a family of my own. I'm just in this transitional period where everything claims no color only tinges of gray that confuse my observations. Are colors going to soon beam from these desires I have held my entire life? When will the light come to reflect the promise that will save me from death in my brokenness?
It's roots have out grown the pot. I have no means to re-pot my beautiful plant and the roots are beginning to grow out of the soil. Growth is natural when something is maintained in a healthy environment and given cause to flourish.
I realized this was the problem because I myself have come to this problem. The question is now, have I outgrown just living with my family in this house, or have I outgrown this city, have I out grown my friends? Do I really even have friends anymore?
I keep thinking all of these things will make me happy. Once I actually get them I see that none of the things are making me any more content with the condition of my life. Am I just determined to be melancholy? Have I just been disconnected so long that connectedness seems so irrational? Have I just been dependent on my family for so long that independence seems irrational?
Give me a purpose or I will die. I can no longer sit in my parents house unmoved and unproductive without occupation or distraction. I need to see some sort of change. I have yearned for something and put all of my efforts and hopes into FAILED relationships and plans. Now, I am left with table scraps of dreams and a huge allotment of time to try to scrounge together some sort of motivation for even getting out of bed in the morning.
My soul aches. I want friendships that I felt were so deep before. I want to restore the happiness I felt to be in the arms of a man I knew loved the Lord. I want a family of my own. I'm just in this transitional period where everything claims no color only tinges of gray that confuse my observations. Are colors going to soon beam from these desires I have held my entire life? When will the light come to reflect the promise that will save me from death in my brokenness?
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Bloodshot Eyes
I was really excited when I got really cozy on the couch and passed out at 22:00 today. I was relieved because I am not accustomed to having problems with sleeping because of things troubling me, but here I am. I can't sleep. Night after night after night. Could working so hard until I dropped have been the only thing closing my eyes at the end of the day? I'm sure at this point it was. Now, I am jobless, useless, floating through the summer months and I can't sleep.
It used to not bother me. All of the boys. All of the nights in random beds in random arms. It was some masochistic kind of comfort. "If I can't have a husband now, at least I am being appreciated somehow." I remember all of them. I can't get their faces out of my head. Every time I snuggle my pillow or teddy bear, it becomes one of those monsters.
Maybe I'm just not tired.
Day 35 of "singleness" but I still flirt and feed off of the attention that is now making me sick. What is going on with me? I thought I was coming back to friends. I was coming back to love and support, but I'm still longing. I want solidarity. I want comfort. I want to not be lonely.
I know I need to make critical progress in my life before I go about having a successful relationship anyway, but I want someone like who he was to me. Always eager and available. I have gone through how I messed it up a hundred and one times and I know that I would probably mess something even better up the same way. I thought I would feel better six months later. Instead the boney finger of accusation has been pointed at me in the foggy trance between wake and sleep.
I don't know if it means I need more friends or different ones if I can't get the ones I thought I had to spend time with me... but I can't do life alone like this.
It used to not bother me. All of the boys. All of the nights in random beds in random arms. It was some masochistic kind of comfort. "If I can't have a husband now, at least I am being appreciated somehow." I remember all of them. I can't get their faces out of my head. Every time I snuggle my pillow or teddy bear, it becomes one of those monsters.
Maybe I'm just not tired.
Day 35 of "singleness" but I still flirt and feed off of the attention that is now making me sick. What is going on with me? I thought I was coming back to friends. I was coming back to love and support, but I'm still longing. I want solidarity. I want comfort. I want to not be lonely.
I know I need to make critical progress in my life before I go about having a successful relationship anyway, but I want someone like who he was to me. Always eager and available. I have gone through how I messed it up a hundred and one times and I know that I would probably mess something even better up the same way. I thought I would feel better six months later. Instead the boney finger of accusation has been pointed at me in the foggy trance between wake and sleep.
I don't know if it means I need more friends or different ones if I can't get the ones I thought I had to spend time with me... but I can't do life alone like this.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
No place I'd rather be
I want to talk to him still ... Three months after my heart was breaking all over my couch and the gore was every where I still want to look into his eyes. I don't know what I would see. Could I do better? Am I further along in my journey? Were we going at different paces or had he not desire to go where I was going?
I miss my guitar.
I miss my family.
I miss my friends.
I miss my car.
I miss familiar.
So do I miss him because he is the familiar? I don't want that. He was so good to me, but good enough to hit a rough patch and RUN. Pop says, "Do you want to be with someone that hurt you like that?" Forgiveness is available, but is it desired?
I find myself drawing a line in the sand.
I can find someone else maybe.
I know that I can love someone else.
My ornery white knuckled grip on our dead relationship is more like an open palm now. I cherish it. I cherish him, but you can't limit yourself to someone that "saw the awesome that was you and said 'no thanks I think I will try my luck elsewhere"'(It's called a Break-Up Because It's Broken)
He never promised me anything really. He promised me that he would be good to me, but he also promised me that he had no clue what he wanted. He seemed more and more unsure as time went on. I almost feel as if he were a promise himself from the Promise Keeper. "You can have this. It's possible. Don't put up with a boy looking at you that way ever again. You should be looked at like this, treated like this."
I now hear love songs being sung to me by the One who says "Yeah, I knew that about you when we started this, but I told you I was in this for the long haul"
..Being confident in this, that He that began a good work in you will carry it on to completion to the day of Christ. Phil 1:6
Monday, April 23, 2012
One is the Loneliest Number
I some how always miss the part of a new situation where people form groups.
I'm never in the loop and I don't have like a half dozen people on hand to go do anything random with at all times. I feel slighted. I feel like its my fault. and I feel like people don't WANT to spend time with me. It kind of sucks.
I'm never in the loop and I don't have like a half dozen people on hand to go do anything random with at all times. I feel slighted. I feel like its my fault. and I feel like people don't WANT to spend time with me. It kind of sucks.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
One Quarter
I write when I can't sleep
to alleviate my mind.
Why am I here in this place?
Why do I
go to his facebook and
stare and read
and kick myself for not being better for him,
to him?
I was as good as I could be. Why let it still bother me? Why did I do what I did? The boy on my couch that my roommates have the right to harass me about is not the one that stood next to me in the moonlight terrified to hold me too close so we wouldn't cross any lines.
It didn't make me feel better.
Rachel...
why when I hear this girls name escape from his lips does my mind race? He literally means nothing to me the hot tub boy that exercised no restraint but he whispers a woman's name to his friend and my stomach does a flip.
I looked at someone else's facebook today, too: Hot tub boy's.
There she was. Standing next to him mocking me from thousands of miles away and months ago: Rachel.
He'd been acting strange. Nothing would come of this we both knew, but 'just pretend for me like I pretend for you'. It will comfort me. It's the only thing I know works. BOLD FACED LIES!
Sitting in class tending his phone like a new born baby he exchanged hushed words to his friend about nothing in particular until I heard this name.
"I am there, too. It's ok. I'm worse off than you are. I promise. I'm living a lie, too. I seem to be preoccupied bythe opposite sex, But I'm normal I promise. I have dreams. I loved once. My favorite food is sushi, or guacamole, or banana bread depending on my mood. I am interesting. Be interested in me."
Did I tell him that I know how it is to run from your faith? Did I tell him that I hated the mistake I made and that I was sad I took advantage of him? No. I sat there and giggled at him winking at me as if I had no window into his life. It's as if living here has given me an excuse to be who I am without Christ, without direction, without myself. I AM NOT A FOLLOWER. Why have I been led off this cliff like a blind pig?
God, have mercy on me. I am defeated. I choose over and over to ruin Your escape plan for me and charge head on into heart ache. I miss my life God. I miss my integrity. I miss having people know where I stand because I know where I stand. Get me out of here. Out of my rose colored memories, free from my behaviors, away from my wicked stubborn heart. Make me selfless. I want to be a good witness to Charlotte. She is beautiful and wonderful, but has no desire to spend time with me because all I talk about is boys and its annoying. I annoy myself. God help me. I have a burden to talk to her about you and I never can spend any time with her. Grow me. Help me. Get me off of Ex-Mr.Wonderful's facebook because HE dumped ME.
amen
to alleviate my mind.
Why am I here in this place?
Why do I
go to his facebook and
stare and read
and kick myself for not being better for him,
to him?
I was as good as I could be. Why let it still bother me? Why did I do what I did? The boy on my couch that my roommates have the right to harass me about is not the one that stood next to me in the moonlight terrified to hold me too close so we wouldn't cross any lines.
It didn't make me feel better.
Rachel...
why when I hear this girls name escape from his lips does my mind race? He literally means nothing to me the hot tub boy that exercised no restraint but he whispers a woman's name to his friend and my stomach does a flip.
I looked at someone else's facebook today, too: Hot tub boy's.
There she was. Standing next to him mocking me from thousands of miles away and months ago: Rachel.
He'd been acting strange. Nothing would come of this we both knew, but 'just pretend for me like I pretend for you'. It will comfort me. It's the only thing I know works. BOLD FACED LIES!
Sitting in class tending his phone like a new born baby he exchanged hushed words to his friend about nothing in particular until I heard this name.
"I am there, too. It's ok. I'm worse off than you are. I promise. I'm living a lie, too. I seem to be preoccupied by
Did I tell him that I know how it is to run from your faith? Did I tell him that I hated the mistake I made and that I was sad I took advantage of him? No. I sat there and giggled at him winking at me as if I had no window into his life. It's as if living here has given me an excuse to be who I am without Christ, without direction, without myself. I AM NOT A FOLLOWER. Why have I been led off this cliff like a blind pig?
God, have mercy on me. I am defeated. I choose over and over to ruin Your escape plan for me and charge head on into heart ache. I miss my life God. I miss my integrity. I miss having people know where I stand because I know where I stand. Get me out of here. Out of my rose colored memories, free from my behaviors, away from my wicked stubborn heart. Make me selfless. I want to be a good witness to Charlotte. She is beautiful and wonderful, but has no desire to spend time with me because all I talk about is boys and its annoying. I annoy myself. God help me. I have a burden to talk to her about you and I never can spend any time with her. Grow me. Help me. Get me off of Ex-Mr.Wonderful's facebook because HE dumped ME.
amen
Monday, April 9, 2012
Its called "the Noodle"
I dance all the time at work. I dance all the time. In the shower, putting away my groceries, I dance every where. If I'm not dancing, I'm singing; or I'm doing both. My roommates call me Sun drop because of the Sun drop commercial where the girl dances after having a sip of lemon-lime cola.... yeah that's me. I drop it like its hot. I have been dancing at work outside, but Easter was particularly fun. Me and God had beef until recently. I keep holding different things against Him saying : "If You loved me I wouldn't be alone. I'm so lonely here. This is so hard. Why are You doing this to me? If I am supposed to be lonely to follow You, I guess I will just not follow You." So for however many weeks, I slipped more slowly into this mind frame. I needed to be grateful and say " You chose this for my life. You will not give me anything I can't handle. There is no temptation that has ceased me accept that which is common to man. You are on my team. If You are for me who can be against?"
BUT
I chose the former. I felt like I was dying. It's funny how the enemy sets you on the path away from God and you justify staying there because you feel so horrible and blame God for your feelings instead of realizing that you feel like that because you are away from Him in the first place. Just the past few days I have felt better than the past three weeks. THE lifestyle of faith requires that you abandon questions that you dwell on to live in a current moment of comfort to live in statements of truth founded on Christ that you may suffer moments of discomfort for a lifetime of reward.
Here is how I know God is good. In my running from Him he sent THREE people into my life to speak truth in love about the faith to me.
The first was my mother. She ended up pleading with me to remain faithful to God and my commitment to not have sex before marriage and love the Lord. Her determination was frightfully haunting, but I still had a bad attitude about not hearing back from a guy I ended up taking the wrong direction with after a date. The second was a girl at the bus stop. She saw that I had begun reading Crazy Love and told me it was good even if you didn't watch the videos. =) She told me it had been hard for her to get to church and her faith was floundering too. The third was a woman I talked to the first or second week I was here named Leah.
She assured me that making her commitment to save her self for her husband even after her mistakes changed a lot about herself and grew her closer to God. She said "I know that my husband is God's best for me." Wow. That brings tears to my eyes. I want to get where I know that He Himself is sufficient and the only One I need, but hearing that from her was confirmation that the EX may not be the one, but if Christ is He will give me the desires of my heart.
Lord, be with me in my struggles. Help me hold onto you. Help me remain committed to Your Word and Truth. I need You Jesus to come to my rescue. Where else can I go? I feel like I ruin a lot, but help me to know that You fix everything because you made everything and I just need to be willing. I love You. I want to love You. Help me follow You.
Amen
BUT
I chose the former. I felt like I was dying. It's funny how the enemy sets you on the path away from God and you justify staying there because you feel so horrible and blame God for your feelings instead of realizing that you feel like that because you are away from Him in the first place. Just the past few days I have felt better than the past three weeks. THE lifestyle of faith requires that you abandon questions that you dwell on to live in a current moment of comfort to live in statements of truth founded on Christ that you may suffer moments of discomfort for a lifetime of reward.
Here is how I know God is good. In my running from Him he sent THREE people into my life to speak truth in love about the faith to me.
The first was my mother. She ended up pleading with me to remain faithful to God and my commitment to not have sex before marriage and love the Lord. Her determination was frightfully haunting, but I still had a bad attitude about not hearing back from a guy I ended up taking the wrong direction with after a date. The second was a girl at the bus stop. She saw that I had begun reading Crazy Love and told me it was good even if you didn't watch the videos. =) She told me it had been hard for her to get to church and her faith was floundering too. The third was a woman I talked to the first or second week I was here named Leah.
She assured me that making her commitment to save her self for her husband even after her mistakes changed a lot about herself and grew her closer to God. She said "I know that my husband is God's best for me." Wow. That brings tears to my eyes. I want to get where I know that He Himself is sufficient and the only One I need, but hearing that from her was confirmation that the EX may not be the one, but if Christ is He will give me the desires of my heart.
Lord, be with me in my struggles. Help me hold onto you. Help me remain committed to Your Word and Truth. I need You Jesus to come to my rescue. Where else can I go? I feel like I ruin a lot, but help me to know that You fix everything because you made everything and I just need to be willing. I love You. I want to love You. Help me follow You.
Amen
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Secrets secrets are no fun.
Hello, my name is CB and I am an angry person.
I feel like I need to go to meetings ... Too bad Al-Anon has a group with 20-somethings and it would really be awkward for me to show up to an anger management group for any other reason short of a court order. It's really easy to get me mad, when I get mad I get even. Recently, at work it has been bad.
I often look down on those people. Why is she gossiping? She isn't better than anyone else here. Recently, that she has been me. I don't know what caused me to get so haughty or self righteous, but when I got my toes stepped on, I knew of no other way to handle it than to go to every living person around to try to gain sympathy and favor. All that does is make you look bad. It's called gossip. Most of the time it makes people afraid to be your friend or tell you anything for fear they are your next victim. Thus, I have successfully turned half of my department against me. I can only thank myself.
GOOD JOB.
I don't know what's going to happen. But I realized there was a trend with all of these people who didn't like me, a pattern : me. As much as you want to think something is not your fault, this time it is. I overreact and say REALLY mean and rude things behind the person's back - IF they ARE lucky. Other times its to them directly.
Same thing happened with every ex I have ever had. I always cut people down for hurting my feelings. It isn't healthy to operate that way.
Even if I wasn't a Christian, that is a form of malevolent behavior that is hard to overlook. AS a CHRISTIAN it is unacceptable. I am ashamed.
God, forgive me for my anger. Forgive me for my need to control people or a situation. Forgive me for claiming I have the right to act in my own defense. Vengeance is Yours. You desire that everyone know how much You want them, how easy forgiveness is to obtain. Please help me unlearn this horrible habit. It is painful to people You love and desire. I don't want to stand in Your way when You try to let me go through a painful situation to learn or grow. Let me learn patience. Thank You for Your patience with me. Amen
I feel like I need to go to meetings ... Too bad Al-Anon has a group with 20-somethings and it would really be awkward for me to show up to an anger management group for any other reason short of a court order. It's really easy to get me mad, when I get mad I get even. Recently, at work it has been bad.
I often look down on those people. Why is she gossiping? She isn't better than anyone else here. Recently, that she has been me. I don't know what caused me to get so haughty or self righteous, but when I got my toes stepped on, I knew of no other way to handle it than to go to every living person around to try to gain sympathy and favor. All that does is make you look bad. It's called gossip. Most of the time it makes people afraid to be your friend or tell you anything for fear they are your next victim. Thus, I have successfully turned half of my department against me. I can only thank myself.
GOOD JOB.
I don't know what's going to happen. But I realized there was a trend with all of these people who didn't like me, a pattern : me. As much as you want to think something is not your fault, this time it is. I overreact and say REALLY mean and rude things behind the person's back - IF they ARE lucky. Other times its to them directly.
Same thing happened with every ex I have ever had. I always cut people down for hurting my feelings. It isn't healthy to operate that way.
Even if I wasn't a Christian, that is a form of malevolent behavior that is hard to overlook. AS a CHRISTIAN it is unacceptable. I am ashamed.
God, forgive me for my anger. Forgive me for my need to control people or a situation. Forgive me for claiming I have the right to act in my own defense. Vengeance is Yours. You desire that everyone know how much You want them, how easy forgiveness is to obtain. Please help me unlearn this horrible habit. It is painful to people You love and desire. I don't want to stand in Your way when You try to let me go through a painful situation to learn or grow. Let me learn patience. Thank You for Your patience with me. Amen
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Prone to Wonder
I haven't been acting myself, or have I? Is it acting like myself when I am moody and irritated at every situation and person? Yes. I haven't been modeling Christ to a dying world is what the issue has been. I need to be connected to the Source of life and start acting like Salt and not vinegar. It's so easy for me to be critical and pick everything apart and not enjoy things. If I were to just act like some of the wonderful people I work with Christian or not, I would be more pleasant. So where is the disconnect.
Craig Strickland said, "Sin is saying to God: you have not met my need." So that's what I have been doing. I can't foster these thoughts and lies and expect to feel life bubbling out of me. I know that I need to focus on Christ. The remedy is to remember that He is GOOD. He does not cause His children to needlessly suffer. I also asked for this. I came here to grow. So I need to grow. I am growing .. This is hard, but, Lord, you are the source of life. Help me follow you!
Craig Strickland said, "Sin is saying to God: you have not met my need." So that's what I have been doing. I can't foster these thoughts and lies and expect to feel life bubbling out of me. I know that I need to focus on Christ. The remedy is to remember that He is GOOD. He does not cause His children to needlessly suffer. I also asked for this. I came here to grow. So I need to grow. I am growing .. This is hard, but, Lord, you are the source of life. Help me follow you!
Let thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to thee. Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love; here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above.
Friday, March 9, 2012
REPLAY
Pick apart
/The pieces of your heart
/And let me peer inside
/Let me in/
Where only your thoughts have been/
Let me occupy your mind
As you do mine
You have lost /Too much love /To fear, doubt and distrust (It's not enough)/ You just threw away the key/ To your heart
You don't get burned ('Cause nothing gets through) It makes it easier (Easier on you) But that much more difficult for me To make you see
Love ain't fair So there you are [ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/hearts-a-mess-lyrics-gotye.html ] My love
Your heart's a mess /You won't admit to it/ It makes no sense /But I'm desperate to connect/ And you, you can't live like this
Your heart's a mess/ You won't admit to it / It makes no sense/ But i'm desperate to connect /And you, you can't live like this
Your heart's a mess/ You won't admit to it/ It makes no sense/ But i'm desperate to connect/ And you, you can't live like this
Love ain't safe You won't get hurt if you stay chaste So you can wait But I don't wanna waste my love
You have lost /Too much love /To fear, doubt and distrust (It's not enough)/ You just threw away the key/ To your heart
You don't get burned ('Cause nothing gets through) It makes it easier (Easier on you) But that much more difficult for me To make you see
Love ain't fair So there you are [ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/hearts-a-mess-lyrics-gotye.html ] My love
Your heart's a mess /You won't admit to it/ It makes no sense /But I'm desperate to connect/ And you, you can't live like this
Your heart's a mess/ You won't admit to it / It makes no sense/ But i'm desperate to connect /And you, you can't live like this
Your heart's a mess/ You won't admit to it/ It makes no sense/ But i'm desperate to connect/ And you, you can't live like this
Love ain't safe You won't get hurt if you stay chaste So you can wait But I don't wanna waste my love
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Come Again?
Can't say I expected God to allow me to be tested that way, but then again I am living in one of THE MOST sexually promiscuous housing complexes in the world. No joke.
It all started with a key.
My key has been getting stuck in my apartment door for the past week. It's just a crappy replication no biggie. Today, however, I couldn't get it out. I worked at the dang ol' thing for 15 minutes, took a break and ate, tried again, nothing. UGH. To my relief my very drunk very attractive neighbors were awake. Let's call the one Carlos and the other neighbor #2. {all of my neighbors are attractive South Americans or Central Americans}
#2 had a girl he was kissing on and Carlos is a really sweet guy who has a lot of pressure back home that he just doesn't know how to handle. Carlos has potential. He's a nice guy, just a little misguided. Well, there is a third one hmm I like Ramone. That's his fake name. Ramone is a steamy beautiful specimen of a man. When he talks you want to pay attention. It doesn't even matter what he is saying, because he is that good-looking. So Carlos and #2 were hanging out with the girl and I get them to come over to get my key out. They do and I am so thrilled I give Carlos that piece of pie that I promised him. At this point I'm not tired, so I hang out and talk a while. Listen really. Then here they come the mob of underage party-girls who are falling all over (you guessed) Ramone. He has like 5 girls and a few guys with him. In a matter of ten minutes all of them clear out and go back to where they belong and fate leaves me and Ramone all by ourselves in the hallway.
I sort of expected him to come on to me because his eyes were red and I have been given 'that look' before, but I didn't expect this.
"Will you give me a blow job?"
SAY WHAT??!?
I have never had someone beg me for one before in my life the way he did in front of my door.
I almost closed the door on him. He wouldn't take no for an answer. "Please, let's just go to the bathroom no one will know." Then he seized my neck and started kissing me. BELIEVE ME it was nice, but I knew that even though I had attention, this is not who I am. He made his way in and I said fine, if you want to go to the bathroom go ahead. I planned on leaving him in there and going to bed, but I was afraid he'd go and tell everyone that something happened when it didn't. So I went outside and knocked on the other neighbors' door and said I needed their help. "He just started kissing my neck and asking for a blowjob. He's in my bathroom I don't know what to do." As soon as I finished, Ramone walked out of my apartment.
You would think I missed out.
I didn't.
You would think: "Why not you just got dumped and you can get some gratification out of that, too. Right?"
WRONG.
I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be married to have sex through a committed relationship. I want it for myself.
Gone are the days when I wake up ashamed of myself and what I have done. The old me has died.
I experienced the strength and the victory that is in me today through Christ. Wow. Go God!
Galatians 6:14 As for me, may I never boast about anything except the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ. Because of that cross, my interest in this world has been crucified, and the world’s interest in me has also died.
It all started with a key.
My key has been getting stuck in my apartment door for the past week. It's just a crappy replication no biggie. Today, however, I couldn't get it out. I worked at the dang ol' thing for 15 minutes, took a break and ate, tried again, nothing. UGH. To my relief my very drunk very attractive neighbors were awake. Let's call the one Carlos and the other neighbor #2. {all of my neighbors are attractive South Americans or Central Americans}
#2 had a girl he was kissing on and Carlos is a really sweet guy who has a lot of pressure back home that he just doesn't know how to handle. Carlos has potential. He's a nice guy, just a little misguided. Well, there is a third one hmm I like Ramone. That's his fake name. Ramone is a steamy beautiful specimen of a man. When he talks you want to pay attention. It doesn't even matter what he is saying, because he is that good-looking. So Carlos and #2 were hanging out with the girl and I get them to come over to get my key out. They do and I am so thrilled I give Carlos that piece of pie that I promised him. At this point I'm not tired, so I hang out and talk a while. Listen really. Then here they come the mob of underage party-girls who are falling all over (you guessed) Ramone. He has like 5 girls and a few guys with him. In a matter of ten minutes all of them clear out and go back to where they belong and fate leaves me and Ramone all by ourselves in the hallway.
I sort of expected him to come on to me because his eyes were red and I have been given 'that look' before, but I didn't expect this.
"Will you give me a blow job?"
SAY WHAT??!?
I have never had someone beg me for one before in my life the way he did in front of my door.
I almost closed the door on him. He wouldn't take no for an answer. "Please, let's just go to the bathroom no one will know." Then he seized my neck and started kissing me. BELIEVE ME it was nice, but I knew that even though I had attention, this is not who I am. He made his way in and I said fine, if you want to go to the bathroom go ahead. I planned on leaving him in there and going to bed, but I was afraid he'd go and tell everyone that something happened when it didn't. So I went outside and knocked on the other neighbors' door and said I needed their help. "He just started kissing my neck and asking for a blowjob. He's in my bathroom I don't know what to do." As soon as I finished, Ramone walked out of my apartment.
You would think I missed out.
I didn't.
You would think: "Why not you just got dumped and you can get some gratification out of that, too. Right?"
WRONG.
I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be married to have sex through a committed relationship. I want it for myself.
Gone are the days when I wake up ashamed of myself and what I have done. The old me has died.
I experienced the strength and the victory that is in me today through Christ. Wow. Go God!
Galatians 6:14 As for me, may I never boast about anything except the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ. Because of that cross, my interest in this world has been crucified, and the world’s interest in me has also died.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
You Say It's Your Birthday
Yesterday was his birthday. My fingers hovered over the phone all day. Should I just text him and tell him? Should I break the streak of silence? I just want to hear him miss me. I just want him to know that he is missed. Was he really that remarkable?
Yes.
I caved last night and went and drank. Then coming in listened to a newly purchased break-up song on repeat for thirty minutes and my eyes leaked til I passed out.
His love changed my life. I am a different person and he isn't mine anymore and I'm still not really sure how.
I know that I can't backslide and cope by finding a warm body to get me through this. I want to. I probably could, but it's almost been a year of celibacy; why ruin it now? I need to get a backbone. When a girl I was with that I work with asked me tonight how we met, I told her "in bible study." Well, she didn't exactly catch my drift. She asked, "What's bible study?" Woah! What an opportunity to share the gospel! Except when more than half of our conversations are about how I am checking out someone's bum or some other overtly sexual thing, how am I supposed to tell her about how I am actually supposed to love Jesus and I am living a double life.
Once again, I have backed myself into a corner of having no integrity and betraying the One who has given me a way to live differently. How sick.
I wanted to be a missionary growing up sometimes. Maybe I am one. So how do I act like it?
Happy Birthday Honey Bee. Maybe one of these days I will be able to move on, but today and yesterday I just want to smile into your eyes and hear from you. I need to find my own strength now. I need to find out how I can get to be constant and focused. I need to persevere. Christ is the prize. Why do I fail Him so much? Why am I so much weaker and less focused without you? I miss the reassurance and encouragement you gave me.
I want to tell the girl we met in bible study and give her the right definition.
When will I be that person?
Yes.
I caved last night and went and drank. Then coming in listened to a newly purchased break-up song on repeat for thirty minutes and my eyes leaked til I passed out.
His love changed my life. I am a different person and he isn't mine anymore and I'm still not really sure how.
I know that I can't backslide and cope by finding a warm body to get me through this. I want to. I probably could, but it's almost been a year of celibacy; why ruin it now? I need to get a backbone. When a girl I was with that I work with asked me tonight how we met, I told her "in bible study." Well, she didn't exactly catch my drift. She asked, "What's bible study?" Woah! What an opportunity to share the gospel! Except when more than half of our conversations are about how I am checking out someone's bum or some other overtly sexual thing, how am I supposed to tell her about how I am actually supposed to love Jesus and I am living a double life.
Once again, I have backed myself into a corner of having no integrity and betraying the One who has given me a way to live differently. How sick.
I wanted to be a missionary growing up sometimes. Maybe I am one. So how do I act like it?
Happy Birthday Honey Bee. Maybe one of these days I will be able to move on, but today and yesterday I just want to smile into your eyes and hear from you. I need to find my own strength now. I need to find out how I can get to be constant and focused. I need to persevere. Christ is the prize. Why do I fail Him so much? Why am I so much weaker and less focused without you? I miss the reassurance and encouragement you gave me.
I want to tell the girl we met in bible study and give her the right definition.
When will I be that person?
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Forget Me Not- the civil wars
Ever feel like a song?
Some music does exactly that. Narrates me. Tonight I am sipping my rum and coke and just mourning. I am happy. Life is good. I went to the Disney opening of the Leap Day "One more Disney Day" celebration thing. It was so cool, but now twenty-some hours later- mostly overtired - I am sad again.
It's his birthday today. Happy Birthday, Baby. I miss you. I wish you missed me as much, but I'm sure you are over your use for me. I wish I could have come up with a way to make him tell me more. Make him wait longer, try harder, be more patient. This is happening for a reason. I hope I'm not looking at the past through rose colored glasses. I just thought everything was perfect.
I saw on Facebook that the first ex- that I now realized was NOT healthy or sane- has a baby. He said it wasn't him. It looks just like him. It's always someone that doesn't expect or want those things that gets them. I wasn't jealous, but I was sad. Sad enough to say that I should be looking forward to a beautiful curly headed boy and not facing an uncertain future. I know I don't need all of it right now and there is a reason, but I just didn't want to find myself alone.
YOU don't always get what you want for sure.
Missing the music festival being on this internship thing.
Should I stay here and try to go to school or should I go back home the place I miss and love and belong? If I stay am I holding onto a failed relationship hoping something more will come of my hope?
God, please help me know what my next step is.
Some music does exactly that. Narrates me. Tonight I am sipping my rum and coke and just mourning. I am happy. Life is good. I went to the Disney opening of the Leap Day "One more Disney Day" celebration thing. It was so cool, but now twenty-some hours later- mostly overtired - I am sad again.
It's his birthday today. Happy Birthday, Baby. I miss you. I wish you missed me as much, but I'm sure you are over your use for me. I wish I could have come up with a way to make him tell me more. Make him wait longer, try harder, be more patient. This is happening for a reason. I hope I'm not looking at the past through rose colored glasses. I just thought everything was perfect.
I saw on Facebook that the first ex- that I now realized was NOT healthy or sane- has a baby. He said it wasn't him. It looks just like him. It's always someone that doesn't expect or want those things that gets them. I wasn't jealous, but I was sad. Sad enough to say that I should be looking forward to a beautiful curly headed boy and not facing an uncertain future. I know I don't need all of it right now and there is a reason, but I just didn't want to find myself alone.
YOU don't always get what you want for sure.
Missing the music festival being on this internship thing.
Should I stay here and try to go to school or should I go back home the place I miss and love and belong? If I stay am I holding onto a failed relationship hoping something more will come of my hope?
God, please help me know what my next step is.
Monday, February 27, 2012
"Thanks for the birthday card and the letter!"
After such resolve to let him go totally, I finally got a response to the letter and birthday card I sent him. I sent it about two weeks ago; when I was weak and I needed the thought of him to keep me going through the day. Here's how yesterday went:
Wow, I'm late. No I'm not.. forgot my lunch! Ugh, wheres the bus?! ::two bus rotations later:: Now I'm late. Yay, work is so fun! Aw, babies! I want a baby. It will be a while now. I want a family. This isn't fair. I should have listened. I should have done things differently, then I could have this possibility. *Cue the longing in my heart for domestication.* Got home. Ahh, finally home eat my awesome food, then to bed early. Not this again- STOP CRYING- God, where are you? I just want the body. I need some support. I need to go to church. Haven't been in three weeks.
I was then invited to a meeting of a group of believers who had started an hour before I even got the response to the text. I got there- after taking the buses- an hour and a half late. They just loved me and met me and embraced me. No impressing them with my school status, or when I was graduating, or where I was from. They just loved me because its a connection you get Biblically to other people who want the same thing from Christ. Everything. If you don't get it, it's ok. It's something you don't get until it's something you really want.
We Christians, believers, the church whatever you want to call us, we mess up and we aren't perfect, but its not about our ability or our name. We want Christ. We mess up because we are just like you, but we want a different life because we realize that pursuing Christ means giving up things that are easy or things you want, but Christ is the prize. I was reminded last night that my life was given to me as a metaphor in the bible as a race. We are running towards Christ and anyone running along side us sharing our lives is doing just that running along side us. We need to remember they do not become the object of our affection. They can be motivators, or inhibitors, but they are a side note.
My heart went home last night ten pounds lighter. After I submitted to Christ in the pursuit of fellowship of believers, God allowed me to get closure. I finally had a sufficient conversation with him that let me in enough to see that he hadn't selfishly used me for company. I was not a filler for his time or a friend when he didn't want to make others. He really considered me the way I was considering him. He was listening to Christ and while I don't agree with his decision, the man is the leader of the relationship. If he is not, then the relationship is bound for trouble. Believe me.
I needed truth spoken to me. I wanted him to tell me that he made a mistake. I got the truth, but I also had the conversation that said "I still love you, but not as intensely. It's not something we can do in the same way right now." I never saw myself as the kind of woman that would wait for a man for years, but I want God's best for me and if it happens to be him I would be blessed and happy. I have never had a better relationship. Now that the smoke is cleared, I can see all of the good and take that with all of the bad. I love him. I don't know if that will change, but he is not my goal: Christ is.
That is my comfort now. I know that a man can love and accept me and not only for the desire to tear my clothes off. He honored me. That's huge. He is a wonderful man. I miss him, because he was my best friend; but I know that if I had it once, I can have it again.
Wow, I'm late. No I'm not.. forgot my lunch! Ugh, wheres the bus?! ::two bus rotations later:: Now I'm late. Yay, work is so fun! Aw, babies! I want a baby. It will be a while now. I want a family. This isn't fair. I should have listened. I should have done things differently, then I could have this possibility. *Cue the longing in my heart for domestication.* Got home. Ahh, finally home eat my awesome food, then to bed early. Not this again- STOP CRYING- God, where are you? I just want the body. I need some support. I need to go to church. Haven't been in three weeks.
I was then invited to a meeting of a group of believers who had started an hour before I even got the response to the text. I got there- after taking the buses- an hour and a half late. They just loved me and met me and embraced me. No impressing them with my school status, or when I was graduating, or where I was from. They just loved me because its a connection you get Biblically to other people who want the same thing from Christ. Everything. If you don't get it, it's ok. It's something you don't get until it's something you really want.
We Christians, believers, the church whatever you want to call us, we mess up and we aren't perfect, but its not about our ability or our name. We want Christ. We mess up because we are just like you, but we want a different life because we realize that pursuing Christ means giving up things that are easy or things you want, but Christ is the prize. I was reminded last night that my life was given to me as a metaphor in the bible as a race. We are running towards Christ and anyone running along side us sharing our lives is doing just that running along side us. We need to remember they do not become the object of our affection. They can be motivators, or inhibitors, but they are a side note.
My heart went home last night ten pounds lighter. After I submitted to Christ in the pursuit of fellowship of believers, God allowed me to get closure. I finally had a sufficient conversation with him that let me in enough to see that he hadn't selfishly used me for company. I was not a filler for his time or a friend when he didn't want to make others. He really considered me the way I was considering him. He was listening to Christ and while I don't agree with his decision, the man is the leader of the relationship. If he is not, then the relationship is bound for trouble. Believe me.
I needed truth spoken to me. I wanted him to tell me that he made a mistake. I got the truth, but I also had the conversation that said "I still love you, but not as intensely. It's not something we can do in the same way right now." I never saw myself as the kind of woman that would wait for a man for years, but I want God's best for me and if it happens to be him I would be blessed and happy. I have never had a better relationship. Now that the smoke is cleared, I can see all of the good and take that with all of the bad. I love him. I don't know if that will change, but he is not my goal: Christ is.
That is my comfort now. I know that a man can love and accept me and not only for the desire to tear my clothes off. He honored me. That's huge. He is a wonderful man. I miss him, because he was my best friend; but I know that if I had it once, I can have it again.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Yackity-yac Don't talk back
I took down all the pictures and untagged them all in the first hour. That's just how it goes. Move on. Move on. MOVE ON. I can bid myself whatever I choose, but I have to force myself to go through with it.
My roommate said to me "If I hear his name one more time..." and I realized that I am my own affliction at this point. Another roommate has a book It's Called a Break-up because It's Broken. I read almost 200 pages tonight of it. When I absorbed the sarcastic pick-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps pages, something clicked. Yes, I did things wrong, but so did he. I don't need to feel so bad and wallow, because he isn't. He didn't just break up with me out of the blue; it was premeditated. He had reasons. He is living his life. Then I had another thought. I'M IN FREAKING FLORIDA! Why the heck shouldn't I be having a good time?!
A good time doesn't mean dressing up like a piece of meat and making out with a fine Brazilian you will never speak to again; because even though I felt vindicated and desirable, I missed him more. It was weird. Every night almost I get to see fireworks at work, and that's what it was like. When I looked in his eyes and he would kiss me, fireworks went off in my heart. THAT'S magic.
To be fair to myself though, it was flawed. We weren't exactly perfect for each other. We broke up because of bad timing, immaturity, inexperience, and some other unnamed suspicions of mine but now that I am single I will count and be grateful for my liberties.
So the book got to this part : no contact for 60 days. Wow two months. I have been crying every day for nearly a month and this sounded perfect. None. If he calls, don't answer. So what? This is what he wanted. He won't call anyway, so why does it matter you took him out of your phone? Good for me. I needed to not even have the option. The book said it and it sounded like a good idea, so lets see how this goes.
February 25, 2012= DAY ONE
My roommate said to me "If I hear his name one more time..." and I realized that I am my own affliction at this point. Another roommate has a book It's Called a Break-up because It's Broken. I read almost 200 pages tonight of it. When I absorbed the sarcastic pick-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps pages, something clicked. Yes, I did things wrong, but so did he. I don't need to feel so bad and wallow, because he isn't. He didn't just break up with me out of the blue; it was premeditated. He had reasons. He is living his life. Then I had another thought. I'M IN FREAKING FLORIDA! Why the heck shouldn't I be having a good time?!
A good time doesn't mean dressing up like a piece of meat and making out with a fine Brazilian you will never speak to again; because even though I felt vindicated and desirable, I missed him more. It was weird. Every night almost I get to see fireworks at work, and that's what it was like. When I looked in his eyes and he would kiss me, fireworks went off in my heart. THAT'S magic.
To be fair to myself though, it was flawed. We weren't exactly perfect for each other. We broke up because of bad timing, immaturity, inexperience, and some other unnamed suspicions of mine but now that I am single I will count and be grateful for my liberties.
- I was always afraid of dancing. I didn't want to cross any lines or set any tones that I wasn't supposed to, so I kept it together. Some self control would be better than just going crazy, but I don't have to walk on egg shells anymore.
- I don't have to carve out time to talk to someone on Skype or the phone as a daily thing. I tried to communicate it was something I wasn't that picky about: "You don't have to call if you don't want"-means now that I think about it .."Please call me, but not out of obligation as if I am a task master, but because you just want to tell me what's on your mind"
- I am not a bad person for enjoying alcohol. HE NEVER SAID I WAS. I was just afraid of coming on a little too strong if I had some around him. I was also trying to save face. I want alcohol very rarely, but I feel bad if someone has issues with it and I want a glass. I mostly don't drink alone. I don't drink when I am sad. And I don't drink to get drunk. I am VERY uptight, so it literally helps me unwind.
- I AM NOT ABRASIVE. This is the most important one. I have wrestled with this because of the reason he gave me for giving up. "You talk too much. You are not approachable." Becomes very quickly, "You have an abrasive personality. You don't care about people- only yourself. You should really learn how to be a better person, so you are tolerable."
So the book got to this part : no contact for 60 days. Wow two months. I have been crying every day for nearly a month and this sounded perfect. None. If he calls, don't answer. So what? This is what he wanted. He won't call anyway, so why does it matter you took him out of your phone? Good for me. I needed to not even have the option. The book said it and it sounded like a good idea, so lets see how this goes.
February 25, 2012= DAY ONE
Friday, February 3, 2012
Today is the First Day of the Rest of My Life.
I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.
I know there's a blue horizon,
Somewhere up ahead, just waiting for me,
Getting there means leaving things behind,
Sometimes life's so bitter sweet.
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.
I know there's a blue horizon,
Somewhere up ahead, just waiting for me,
Getting there means leaving things behind,
Sometimes life's so bitter sweet.
We were like silly kids together. I am told by my friends that I put to much into the relationship. I feel like that's right after realizing how upset I was. How upset I am. Its getting better and my friends are really supportive, but I cant help thinking a lot of things.
He's right to an extent, but no one is perfect either and instead of just gathering myself and moving on I am picking apart all of the things in the relationship and all of the things that I did. I guess that's what all girls do: try to pick themselves apart. Normally its that, or they blame the guy. I am trying to not do either, but I think I could have punched someone in the throat.
I would say, "I should do the one year challenge now", but I think for the time being I can't bring myself to get out of this funk and if a guy wants to get to know me I will let him.
Maybe I am too selfish to have a relationship right now. I don't know how things will get better, but there's no where to go but up from here.
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